To Be Rated or Not
by Andre Dmitri Garrett
Summary: In the wake of the Subspace Emissary, the smashers have to figure out how to solve their issues, get along, enjoy a few romances, and deal with their newest, crazed enemy: the executive board of the ESRB.
1. Chapter 1: Sabotage in the Mansion

Disclaimer: I do not own SSBB, so on and so on…why do we do this on a site for fanfiction? Are we really that lawsuit happy? On second thought, don't answer that.

To Be Rated or Not

Chapter I: Sabotage in the Mansion

"Son of a b—"

"For the sake of all that is sacred under Miyamoto and Iwata," Peach shouted at the other smasher, "will you refrain from that language? There are children in the room!"

Marth glared back at Peach, not intimidated by the angry woman. "I don't give a s—crap, woman! These kids you're talking about stole my shampoo! How am I supposed to keep my hair looking nice if I don't have MY FREAKING SHAMPOO?"

On days like these, Wolf wondered how Marth could combine attitudes such as prissy and gangster so flawlessly. He was constantly in a state of two emotions, wonder to doubt whether Marth was actually going psycho over such things or the irrepressible laughter of him actually going psycho over those things. Today it seemed Wolf was in the wonder stage.

Peach didn't back down from Marth's bad mood; she may be nice and airy most of the time, but Peach wouldn't tolerate people not getting along. She turned to the children involved; they were predictably Ness and Toon Link. "Children," Peach said, voice returning to its usual sweetness. "Could you please return Marth's shampoo to him, so that he doesn't disturb the mansion's tranquility?"

"But we don't have it," Ness said, a know it all grin on his face. His I'm-a-genius-so-I-can-be-cocky kid attitude got him trounced in several brawls. "We put it back while he was going through the kitchen." Peach rolled her eyes and turned to Marth, but the prince was already leaving.

"I'm going to be doing my hair," Marth announced to the room. "Anyone interrupt me and I swear this blade will run you through organs you didn't know you had." The prince of Altea stormed from the room upstairs. Peach sighed and waited for peace to return to the mansion. As long as he wasn't disturbed until his hair was finished, Marth would be in a good mood later. Besides, maybe to make up for their spat they could get manicures together.

Smiling to herself the princess left the common room as well. Next to Wolf, Snake shifted on the couch. Across from them Sonic shook his head. "Does anyone how on earth know how he manages to sound so tough about something _so gay_?" he asked the room. Not even Ness knew.

Snake pressed play on the remote and the guys' movie started up again. Ness tried to take a seat next to Sonic, but the hedgehog nudged the kid off; all three of the guys didn't want to be caught letting Ness watch a horror movie. Toon Link wasn't interested in the movie at all; it reminded him too much of re-deads. The young swordsman ran into the halls.

It seemed to be a regular day in the smash mansion. Luigi and Mario were running through the pipes in their own version of cardio work; Popo and Nana were building with ice cubes; Bowser and Ganondorf were trading plans to take over their worlds; Metaknight was stopping Kirby from eating everything; and Samus was considering tossing Ike through a window.

She had bumped into the swordsman a moment ago. Ike, being the laid back arrogant guy he was, simply shrugged and kept walking. "You just bumped me," Samus warned. Ike looked back over his shoulder.

"Tch, whatever. You'll live," he muttered, and kept going. It was at that moment Toon Link kept going before he could get caught in Samus's wraith. That was unlikely since Samus had a soft spot for kids and Pikachu, but Toon Link wouldn't push it. He was looking for his older self anyway, wondering if he would be up for sword practice. Hopefully his older self wouldn't hold a grudge for this morning; it was only a joke.

Toon Link found Link outside in one of the mansion's gardens. He was sitting under a tree across from Zelda, who was sitting a on a bench. The great hero and icon of Nintendo was listening to Zelda, who must have needed somebody to confide in. Link was a great person for this, because he didn't speak much in the first place and wouldn't reveal someone's secrets anyway. They both stopped and turned to see Toon Link stride up to them.

"Hello," Zelda greeted, quiet smile on her face. Link's expression was less than welcoming; it was more strained. Unfortunately, having a princess who was the smartest person could be problematic at times. "Toon Link," Zelda chastised. "What did you do this time?"

"Nothing big," Toon Link protested. "I only woke him up this morning because he always sleeps so much." Link's frown hadn't disappeared, and Zelda kept up her matronly bore into Toon Link's psyche. How did she do that when she wasn't a mother? "Okay, okay; I woke him up by farting on his face."

Zelda's eyebrows rose as her bewildered expression turned to Link. His expression had turned sour, remembering the unpleasant experience. Zelda opened her mouth to chide Toon Link for doing that to Link—regardless of how much he slept—when a large explosion sounded from inside the smash mansion.

A good majority of the smashers and the assist trophies all groaned at the yell that followed, "FALCON!" Yes, the man known to Nintendo as Captain Falcon had escaped from his therapy session.

Captain Falcon tore down the hallway. Behind him, Lucario and Fox tried to bring him down and drag him back to their therapy session. But Captain Falcon's mind thought he was off escaping a great evil; he wouldn't believe their lies about himself. "Captain! Get back here!" Fox shouted as the fugitive leapt down the stairs. The veteran smasher ignored him and kept running.

He passed by Mario and Luigi, who were taking a break to talk to DK. There Falcon screamed at them what had gotten him put in therapy. "Falcon! I'm black!" he shouted as he ran. The three sighed.

"He's-a out again-a," Mario grumbled. Mario joined the pursuit to stop Falcon from terrorizing the mansion—that meant the women. Hopefully Samus was in a good mood; she was, now that she had begun her training.

Falcon ran into Game and Watch, who was cooking himself lunch alongside one of the assist trophies, Lyn. Despite being the brave swordswoman she was, Lyn turned and ran the instant she saw Captain Falcon. Fortunately for her, Game and Watch turned sideways to make an effective hiding space. Of course, this didn't stop Falcon from screaming as he accidentally knocked over their meals. "Falcon! I'm black! Falcon black!"

"I don't get it," Fox grumbled, "Couldn't Master Hand do something in his life for once? He's supposed to stop things like this from happening!" Ahead, Captain Falcon knocked over Pit and Lucas as he used Yoshi to slide down the stairs. Angry, Yoshi joined the hunt.

"Oh please, Master Hand-a couldn't catch a cold-a; how could he-a catch Falcon?" Mario asked back. Fox shrugged; it was a good point. Crazy Hand, for all his insanity and mind-numbing craziness, was more capable than Master Hand. How _did_ Master Hand get his job in the first place, and how was he able to convince Nintendo that the complaints from Nintendo's greatest figures were rubbish?

On his way through freedom, Captain Falcon knocked over Pikachu and burst into the gardens. He spotted Zelda, and naturally came his roar of, "Falcon!" Before he could even think about getting in Up+B move range, both Links had somehow gotten hold of smash balls. They used them simultaneously on Captain Falcon and sent him flying through a wall.

"Thanks for weakening him," Fox said to them. "Mind helping us catch him now?" Link shrugged and took off alongside the other four. Captain Falcon was too much trouble, too often. Despite having been blow through a wall he was still running rampant through the mansion. However, Captain Falcon wasn't paying attention to where he was going this time, and he tripped over ROB.

No sooner had Captain Falcon tripped than the five chasing him had pinned him down. All the while as they tried to put restraints on, Falcon was screaming his name at the top of his lungs. But of course nothing goes as planned.

Master Hand's voice came over the mansion's intercom. "Would all the smashers and assist trophies please report to the main room immediately for an emergency meeting," he requested. Captain Falcon sprang to his feet and ran away shouting random nonsense.

"Eh, we'll get him after the meeting," Fox muttered. "It's not like he won't be there. Everyone always goes when Master Hand actually does something."

"But what-a is he doing-a?" Mario asked. "Getting rid of Falcon-a?"

Link shrugged. In the next ten minutes all of the smashers and assist trophies gathered to the meeting room. Sitting up front were the top eight seats, not only in Smash Bros but in Nintendo all throughout. Mario occupied the first seat, with Link in the second. Samus was third, Fox was fourth, Pikachu was fifth, DK was sixth, Kirby was seventh, and Pit barely nudged out Luigi for eighth. However, due to issues he was suffering, Pikachu was temporarily being replaced by Trainer Red.

"Pika pika!" the yellow pokemon shouted from the back of the room._ I will rule you all! _Those who could understand him groaned. Someone had gotten the idea in Pikachu's head that if he was the supreme dictator of the world that he would have all the pokemon treats he could have. Luckily Pikachu wasn't quite so informed as how to accomplish this, so his plans otherwise were harmless. It was so annoying though.

"I swear, I'm going to kill whoever poisoned little Pikachu's mind," Samus growled. Behind the top eight, Ganondorf shuffled his feet. He didn't think the prank so bad at the time…

DK looked around in confusion. Red was not in his seat. Before he could ask any of the others, Master Hand got up on stage.

"Hello, everyone," Master Hand greeted. "I trust the tournaments have been going well?" A large number of smashers shouted that there hadn't been tournaments because he hadn't done anything; the majority of the assist trophies asked why their paychecks were late again. Master Hand ignored them.

"FALCON!" Captain Falcon said, standing up.

"Someone shut him up," Master Hand ordered. Those around Captain Falcon were all too eager to do so. "Anyway, the reason I have called you here is on Trainer Red's behalf, who is currently serving as the fifth seat. Somebody has, eh, well, I'll let him explain."

Trainer Red walked on stage, and Pit had to admit to himself that he'd never seen his friend so angry before. "Someone has insulted me and my pokemon," Red explained. "Charizard is pregnant."

…

"Charizard's a _girl_?" Link blurted out. When he did speak, it was the mind of most of their community.

Zelda sighed and shook her head. "You didn't know Link?" she asked honestly. He shook his head wildly.

"Wait, you did?" Falco asked her. "How did you know? No one else did." In response to Falco's question every woman raised her hand, as well as Yoshi and Bowser. What? They were lizards too.

Master Hand coughed into himself for everyone's attention. "Anyway, someone let a rogue Charizard into Red's room and it seduced his," he began, but he was cut off again.

"How did his Charizard get pregnant though?" Pit asked. "Lady Palutena told me it was the stork who brought babies, not pokemon." There was silence in the room again; Pit was literally the most innocent minded of anyone there. Surprised that he didn't know, Ganondorf leaned in to tell him the truth, but a slap from Peach stopped him. She didn't want anyone corrupting the innocent boy any more than necessary.

"As I was saying, while we are glad for Red as long as he doesn't beat us up, this leaves him without one of his pokemon to compete in matches. Do you see the problem?" Master Hand asked. Everyone did. Someone had let that Charizard in; this was sabotage.

The top eight conferred amongst themselves. Who would dare to sabotage another smasher? Several suggested Wario, but Kirby pointed out amidst eating his chair that Wario wasn't smart enough to do that. "Do we have any security footage from the hallway?" Samus asked Master Hand.

"You think we have security? Ha ha, that's—I mean, sure, let me go, uh, find them," Master Hand said, and he was off. The top eight groaned. They obviously didn't have any security footage to review. Link was asking Mario how lots of feet could have helped them.

As the top eight continued to wonder who was the saboteur, it was Fox who suggested the scary answer. "Could it have been someone from outside the competition?" he asked. "Maybe one of Nintendo's rivals, or somebody who couldn't get in."

"You could be right, but that's scary to think about," Pit shuddered. "So how do we go about dealing with this? Tell Marth that the saboteur had his conditioner?"

"Let's not pull out our big weapons so soon," Samus warned. "First I think a little security is in order. This could be a onetime thing, or it could not. Having some sort of cameras at least would make it easier to tell."

They debated on how to toughen the mansion's security, aside from Nintendo's best boosted by the assist trophies. They were so dedicated to the task that none of them saw Captain Falcon creeping forward.

"SAMUS!" Zelda screamed. "LOOK OUT!" She was too late.

Samus felt herself picked up into the air and recognized the all too pervasive Up+B attack of Captain Falcon. The worst part: she was in her Zero Suit.

It was deathly quiet. Samus was so shocked by how she'd been violated that Falcon was able to do it again. Then all Nintendo broke loose. Samus went running, screaming bloody murder at the top of her lungs about needing a shower. All of the women ran after her to help her, while the men in the room turned to Captain Falcon.

"I'm black!" he shouted, as those closest to him cracked their knuckles. Wario slammed his head into the floor and farted on him. Seriously, the mansion thought; _why hadn't Master Hand kicked this guy out yet? That was the third time this month!_ Ike shuddered as he thought of the last event; his fight with the crazy racer. Come to think of it, why hadn't Nintendo kicked out Master Hand, too?

* * *

Outside the mansion, the scout watched through his binoculars as Captain Falcon was beaten so badly he couldn't even return to statue form. Wow; even without their help the smashers were crazy. Chances were that Samus would come back for vengeance. Either way, it seemed like the perfect time to begin the assault now that their sabotage had weakened one of them. He called into his HQ. Falcon's shouts reached the scout as he left. Did he _ever_ stop saying that word?


	2. Chapter 2: The Falcon Issue

Chapter 2: The Falcon Issue

"All in favor of painful death say I," Samus said, her own hand in the air. She had recovered quickly from Falcon's assault and was in her power armor, ready to murder the smasher. Link put a hand on Samus's shoulder to keep the furious woman in her seat.

"That wouldn't work," he explained.

The top eight had gathered in their secret conference room. Since Master Hand never did anything, they had taken it upon themselves to keep Smash Bros running. After all, it was a good opportunity for Nintendo's finest to gather. The only thing that could make it better would be the appearance of Miyamoto and Iwata.

Samus whipped around towards Link, ready to shoot him. "Why not?" she snapped. "Why can't we?" Fox stepped in to save Link's life.

"It literally wouldn't work, Samus," Fox explained. "We already beat him into statue status and beyond. Besides, killing him would just turn him into a statue. We've done that before and it doesn't teach him anything." Probably glaring underneath her helmet, Samus did relent a little.

One of the smallest smashers there, Kirby leapt onto the table. "We've had this problem for a long time. Let's take this back from the beginning," Kirby announced. "Back in the first Smash, Captain Falcon was okay, just a little odd. And then all of a sudden, starting in Melee, he becomes convinced he's black and starts trying to get with every girl he can see, hear, and smell. What brought on this sudden change in his behavior? He's gone crazy, and I think…"

Kirby continued to talk for some time and the others thought he might actually be getting somewhere. However, ten minutes later he was still going strong, jumping about the table, and they had begun to lose interest. Worse it seemed that Kirby had forgotten what they were there for and he had included in this elaborate theory why Pikachu was yellow, that Mel Brooks was Crazy Hand, and was currently on the topic of why there were actually twelve food groups instead of five.

"That's enough-a, Kirby," Mario assured. Everyone sighed in relief as Mario saved them. "Why don't you-a sit-a down?"

"I can't," Kirby explained. "I ate my chair." There was some shuffling and Kirby was given a new chair. Pit was ordered to keep an eye on Kirby; they only had so many chairs.

"So, where-a were we?" Mario asked. Samus shouted for Falcon to be murdered and Link calmed her down again. Thank goodness Link was good with women, even though he was stone blind whenever somebody liked him.

"Where is he being held right now?" Fox asked. "DK, were did you put him?"

"I gave him to Snake," DK answered, beating his chest proudly. "If Snake can keep him there, I promised him a pack of cigarettes." That explained a lot; Master Hand had banned cigarettes at the mansion after Peach's endless complaints, and Snake had become a lot twitchier since.

"I thought we were trying to make him quit," Pit muttered, grabbing Kirby to stop him from eating a pencil.

"Nevermind that," Link said. "We need to figure out a solution to deal with Falcon once and for all. Otherwise this… very lewd behavior of his will continue. We could use figuring out how to make him stop thinking he's black, too."

Of course, there were several suggestions, and Mario and Link had a hard time trying to figure out where they came from.

"Suspend him from the tournament."

"Get his mind wiped by Mewtwo… once we find him."

"Send him to Master Chief for some grunt work."

"Just send him to Sony."

"Send him anywhere."

"KILL HIM!"

Just then, the doors to the conference room opened and Pikachu bounced in. The pokemon jumped onto the table before hopping onto Samus's shoulder. "Pika!" he greeted. _Samus! My minion general! How are my troops doing?_

"…Uh, great. Could you give us a minute, Pikachu?" Samus asked. "We're trying to punish Falcon. And they won't let me kill him."

"Pika pika! Pikachu." _Of course not; that wouldn't work. You need to hit the problem at its source._ The other smashers who could understand Pikachu leaned in. Other than his take-over-the-world-problems, did Pikachu have a solution? Pikachu did.

"What's-a your idea?" Mario asked.

Pikachu glared at him. "Pikachu!" he shouted. _Address me as emperor, slave!_ Mario sighed, and then proceeded to do as Pikachu demanded of him. The pokemon brightened up and shared his idea, "Pika pika chu chu pi!" _Castrate him!_

Every man in the room who could understand Pikachu groaned; their hands flew to protect themselves as though they were on the, uh, chopping block. Samus made a frown; she wanted to punish Falcon, but this might be too far. Her mind flashed back to Falcon's various rampages. No, this was just right.

Pit looked around the room in confusion; he wasn't too good at translating pokemon talk. "What did he say?" Pit asked. No one said anything for a moment; if they told Pit what Pikachu's plan was the boy would lose all innocence, and for Nintendo's sake it was nice to have someone innocent and normal in the mansion!

"Pit, go to your room," Trainer suggested.

"What? I didn't do anything!" he protested.

Link cleared his throat; Samus, Fox, and Mario noted he was talking quite a bit today. "We're going to have an adult conversation, Pit. One of those things Palutena said was bad," he explained.

Pit's eyes widened and he nodded his head. He looked over at Red. "Come on; we shouldn't be here to listen to this. Lady Palutena assured me this stuff is dangerous," he ushered, already out the door. Red rolled his eyes but complied; he didn't exactly want to stay and listen to talk of… shudder.

As the doors shut behind Red, Pikachu bounced into his seat and spun in it; Kirby became hungry again. Samus turned to Link. "What was that about?" she asked.

Link just shrugged; Samus pointed her gun at him. "Pit has some sort of crush on Palutena," he explained.

"How did you know?" Fox asked. "Wait, let me guess; Toon Link told you." As Link nodded Fox sighed. Because of his brother like status with his younger self, Link had access to secrets and ideas the younger smashers shared among themselves. He was their best source for them, since Pit was too innocent to get half of what they were saying.

Unfortunately, now they had to go back to the topic that was making every male in the room—minus Pikachu—cringe in fear. Mario took assume of the other top smashers and forced himself to say words. "Well then-a, I suppose to prevent another incident-a, we should… right away-a," he said, skipping over the actual words. "In that-a case, Link will-a—"

He was cut off at a shout from the angry Hylian, who was shaking his head vehemently and clutching the Master Sword protectively. Link didn't want his sword tainted that way. The Hero's denial brought another issue to the table; who would they get to do it? None of the men in the room wanted to think about the act happening, let alone perform it. And Samus didn't want to have anything to do with that area of Falcon's anatomy.

"Wait, what about ROB?" DK asked. "He's a robot; he couldn't care either way."

"Huh, that's a good idea," Fox admitted. "Especially since the rest of us don't want to. Any other ideas?" Kirby raised his hand and spoke but it was garbled. They ordered him to spit out whoever was in his mouth. Kirby looked glum but obeyed. He spat out Popo, Bowser, a Landmaster, several pounds of bacon, the Halberd, Sonic, and somehow himself. Kirby thought for a moment, and then spat out Snake as well.

…

"WHAT?" Samus shouted. "Snake was supposed to be guarding Falcon!" The mercenary in question was passed out on the floor, gasping for air. Even now Samus was on her feet with her gun at the ready. She would not be humiliated again.

"That's it," Link growled.

The top smashers leapt to their feet. "We find-a Falcon and then-a do it-a," Mario ordered. They ran out of the room with Pikachu shouting his minions onto victory. As soon as they were in the hallway, they became engulfed with a terrible stench, and the sounds of laughter as Ness and Toon Link ran off. Link would have to speak to him later. They went after Falcon, hopefully for the last time.

* * *

Everyone had assembled in the meeting hall from before. Of all the smashers and assist trophies missing, only four people weren't present. Those people were the Hands, ROB, and Captain Falcon. It was a frightening thing, to wait to hear if ROB had successfully completed the operation. Very few souls were completely relaxed about what was happening.

Two of those souls were helping to keep people's minds off things. One of them was Pikachu; the pokemon had leapt to the front of the stage and proclaiming his new world order and the rules he would have to follow. Samus's attempts to keep him restrained weren't working out too well. "Pikachu!" he told her. _Don't worry about me, general; I can do this myself!_

"Pikachu," Samus muttered, trying to keep her temper with her friend. "I just don't think this is the best time to be establishing your order. After all, um, no one is paying attention. They're more concerned with what's going to happen to the mansion."

"Pika pika! Pichu!" _But my rule IS about to happen to the mansion! They must be aware of this change in policy as I, the heir of infinite pokemon snacks, take my place as their emperor!_

"It's not that I'm against you," Samus lied. She really needed to find a psychiatrist for her friend. "But I have a sixth sense that now's not the right time."

"Pika." _Hm, and you're a woman, too._ Samus couldn't help but feel angry about that comment. What was Pikachu implying? But Pikachu continued, unaware of the emotion beneath her helmet. "Pikachu!" _Well, in that case I'll trust your woman's intuition; it's never steered my empire wrong before!_ Samus sighed to herself as Pikachu hopped off the stage and towards the other pokemon. She was only supposed to be here to fight, not act as a therapist. Her eyes trailed around the room before catching onto someone who had to be staring back.

Link was sitting in the corner, trying to be at ease about the situation. Zelda was nearby, with Toon Link between the two of them. They each had him by a hand and were swinging the happy kid back and forth, like a pair of older siblings. However, Link had his eyes on Samus and there was a smirk on his face. Feeling as though he was poking at her pride, Samus marched over. She passed by Pit, who was being assured by Peach and Marth—who were doing their nails—that nothing was wrong. He was the other figure occupying people's attention.

"Got a problem with me?" Samus questioned as she reached the hero who held just one seat above her. One of these days she was going to take it from him. She could beat him in matches, just never when it mattered. It's like someone tampered with the handicap.

Link's smile never left his face, but before he could answer Toon Link let go of the other two and hopped in front of him. "If you've got a problem with my brother, then take it up with me!" he insisted, hooking his thumb at his chest. The look on Toon Link's face nearly split Samus open.

The galactic bounty hunter looked at Link. Beneath her helmet she cocked an eyebrow. "Brother?" she repeated. She'd thought they were the same person. Link shrugged, and it was Zelda who answered her question.

"It's easier for them to cope with each other that way," Zelda explained. "Toon, I'm sure Samus wasn't going to harm Link; she just wanted to ask him a question."

"Oh, well if you say so," Toon Link decided. He looked back up at Samus. "Of course, if we were to fight I might need help from Link; then we'd win. Unless he was angry at me for putting stink bombs outside your meeting room." He looked up at his older self for assurance otherwise. Link smiled wider and put Toon Link on his shoulder, eliciting cheers from the kid.

As Toon Link gave a raspberry to Ness—because Toon Link was 'taller' after all—Samus wondered how Link was able to so easily support the younger hero on one shoulder. It couldn't be the golden gauntlets; Link didn't wear those much anymore. He had trouble using any of his old equipment, what with the whole 'you've been reincarnated for a new adventure.' As Samus was thinking, Link interrupted her. "What did you need?" he asked.

Before Samus could say anything, the doors to the room opened. The mansion grew quiet as ROB walked in. Link put Toon Link down and left him with Zelda as he and Samus joined ROB, along with the rest of the top eight. It was more like nine, because Pikachu insisted on going over, even though the rest all agreed they didn't want him involved until he was no longer in world domination mode.

Mario cleared his throat. "Well-a, uh, is it done-a?" he asked, sounding very strange to himself. ROB nodded.

"The procedure has been performed as specified," ROB said. "If your estimations were correct he should no longer be an issue." There were a bunch of half sighs of relief among the men. They'd just eliminated one of the biggest problems to the mansion's security, but still… they had removed someone's manhood. It was scary to think about.

ROB gave something to Fox, who frowned at it. "Huh?" he muttered. "ROB, this is anesthetic. Heh, I guess someone like you would know how to use it properly enough not to waste it."

"Actually, I didn't know what it was used for, so I reserved all of it to give back to you."

…

…

"!" Every male there screamed in empathetic agony as they clutched themselves protectively. Even the women were cringing in sympathy. "ROB!" Link shouted at him. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

ROB flinched away from the Hylian. "No…" he admitted.

"Anesthetic stops pain! It's used as a painkiller!" Kirby screamed. He wasn't exactly endowed like the others, but he was male and the thought was unbearable.

"Oh," ROB said, fearful comprehension dawning on him. "That would explain why he was screaming the whole time." At this, the mansion broke into chaos as men ran around screaming for mercy clutching themselves, while women looked on in sympathy trying to reassure them. As though everybody was trying get them, the men broke into an all-out brawl to save themselves.

Only Pit didn't understand. Ganondorf leaned in and told him. Pit's eyes widened in horror; the formerly innocent boy ran off screaming and crying, clutching himself as well. "NOOOO! IT BURNS!" he screamed as his youthful innocence was partially lost. "PALUTENA SAVE ME! PLEASE SAVE ME! AUGH!" He ran for his life towards the goddess hoping she could make everything better.

Managing to keep themselves from going too crazy, the top eight questioned ROB. "Where is he now?" Trainer managed, curled up on his side.

"Outside, waiting to come in," ROB said. He thought better about mentioning that the knife was rusty. The mansion suddenly quieted as ROB brought Captain Falcon in. Whoever this man was with ROB, it was no longer Captain Falcon.

The man's face was evident; he'd been broken by the greatest of traumatic events. Silent tears were in an endless stream down his face and he would have curled up and cried except ROB asked him to stand up. He did so, completely submissive to everything. The men nearly all went crazy again; Pit was far gone by now.

Hesitantly, they asked Falcon to punch, to see if something remained. Falcon waked over to Link and said, "falcon." He punched Link with his regular B move; Link in the midst of his brain panic felt himself actually get not only tougher, but colder.

It was Samus, the one who had been most vehement for punishing Falcon for his provocative and lewd behavior that spoke, "What have we done?"

* * *

Outside the mansion, the scout was screaming and protecting himself as well.

* * *

A/N:Terrible. Men reading this (including myself) are allowed to run in fear of this happening, screaming like girls. It's justified. For those sadistic people laughing (this especially includes women), I accuse you of being cruel.


	3. Chapter 3: Arrival of an Enemy

Chapter 3: Arrival of an Enemy

In a matter of five hours, the Brawl mansion had been reduced to complete and utter chaos. The men, both smashers and trophies, were engaged in a constant battle with each other to protect themselves. Marth had assumed everyone was making fun of his feminine side and had somehow gotten hold of a ray gun along with his sword. An unrestricted Kirby had finished out the fridge and was onto the walls of the foundation. Ness was terrifying the other kids with joking predictions of what would happen to them.

A bawling Pit was being comforted by Palutena—he was also blushing for some reason she couldn't discern—while the goddess blasted Ganondorf away for corrupting her captain. Charizard was going through mood swings. Pikachu was putting up posters throughout the mansion for minion enlistment. Red was on the phone with Leaf, telling her that if she ever valued him as a friend she'd come save him and his manhood.

Wario had panicked and was regularly farting everywhere he went. DK was bashing people in as he asserted his territory. Diddy Kong was using his Side+B move to beat people's faces in. Olimar was crying as Pikmin were trampled left and right by the pixilated motocross racers. A mob led by Sonic was chasing after ROB for his heresy and were planning to sacrifice him to the volcano they didn't even have. Lyn was leading some of the other assist trophies on a quest to find and destroy Peach for her annoying taunts. Even Ike was uppity; he was frowning as he relaxed in his chair.

This wasn't even including everyone else, especially Falcon who had been reduced to a constantly crying wreck.

Mario, Link, and Samus were currently in Master Hand's office, where they were being lectured. "This is rated T so I'll keep it that way," Master Hand began. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

"Guess," Samus mouthed off. It wasn't like Master Hand could take her; they'd proven that in Classic Mode runs. He whipped angrily towards her.

"This was your idea, wasn't it?"

"Actually, it was Pikachu's."

Master Hand was quiet for a moment. "That's creepy," he muttered. There was a bang outside the office as Marth swore endlessly and beat King Dedede with pimp slaps.

Mario spoke up. "Look-a, shouldn't we go-a fix this mess-a first, then-a talk?" he asked.

"No," Master Hand insisted, trying to appear like he was actually in charge.

"They're screwed," Link decided. Master Hand glared at Link, a considerable feat.

"Well, now that Samus's fans are satisfied, Falcon's fans are clamoring for vengeance," Master Hand muttered. "Most of Falcon's fans are now lawyers. So in order to prepare for this threat, I'm instituting security in the mansion to help keep the peace."

"So Nintendo-a threatened to-a fire you if you-a didn't do your job-a," Mario discerned. Master Hand gave Mario the finger. Samus whispered to Link that it would probably be nothing but cameras; Link nodded in agreement. However, the Hylian was trying to figure out what a camera was. The three continued to figure out how to get away from the ranting Master Hand in order to save the mansion.

They were saved—ironically enough—by Crazy Hand streaking through the office. Master Hand shouted after his brother, going through the wall. The top three smashers looked at each other and headed out into the chaos. The instant they were out there, Sonic's mob nearly ran them over. They fought their way to the inventory room.

Master Hand claimed it was locked tight, but even the assist trophies knew the codes. With ease the three climbed in and grabbed smash balls. With the threat of being painfully hit by three smash attacks at once, the majority of panic slowly started to subside. Some of it still had to be forcefully stopped.

"There-a," Mario muttered, having beaten Wario into trophy status; he had still been farting unconscious. Samus had tossed him a gas mask. She was currently working on Marth, who refused to listen to reason.

The prince got in Samus's face. "What you want, you b—" he began, but was cut off as Link head butted him, stopping him before he could stroke Samus's temper. It was a little too late for that, and Link worked on keeping them apart. He stepped in-between both and stuck his hands out. They collided into his hands and Link strained to keep them separate.

There was a gush of air, and Marth disappeared. Kirby was standing there. "I thought you needed a hand," Kirby offered. Link nodded in relief. "I'll spit him out after Game and Watch gets me some bacon." The pink fluffiness hopped away, leaving a relieved Link with Samus. He wasn't relieved very long. Samus was growing angry next to him.

"Link," she warned dangerously. "Where is your hand?" Link looked and turned to panic. In his attempt to shove Samus back, he slammed his hand into her chest. She was wearing power armor, but that obviously didn't mean anything as Link jerked his hand back like he'd been burned. Samus grew only angrier at that, even though she wasn't quite certain why.

"Sorry!" he pleaded, and the blatant fear on his face was slightly amusing. "I didn't mean it!"

"Which is why you're still alive," Samus growled. "Get. Now." She wanted time to cool down before she murdered Link in a furious rampage; after all, he was one of the only guys who acted sensibly. In secret, she also wanted time to separate her emotions and ban the heat that had initially risen in her cheeks.

Link was more than on his way to flee to safety when a voice caught both their attention. Toon Link had been watching his older self in a form of hero worship; the little kid had seen everything. As soon as they saw him he turned running down the hall. "AUGH! Link was being naughty to Samus! Zelda! Zelda! Link was being naughty!" he screamed.

Samus was so shocked by Toon Link's words that she didn't notice Link run off to save his life. It was probably a good thing he did because she likely would have blasted him. After all of her work to be left alone, rumors were now going to spread like wildfire that she and Link were involved in a way that would make Pit run to Palutena again.

As her anger bubbled, a couple thoughts bounced through her mind about her and Link in such a situation. She shook herself of them rapidly; why would she think about finding Link, shirtless, in the mansion's pool at night, with only the light of—Samus shook her head clear again. Frustration and anger grew at not knowing what was happening to her.

Hoping some idiot crossed her path, Samus moved on. They still had to calm down the mansion; Samus could beat up Link for making her daydream later. Ahead, an assist trophy was still running mad. The bounty hunter grinned to herself; she needed an outlet about then.

* * *

After a lot of work, the mansion was at some sort of peace for the moment being. For those who were still coursing through adrenaline, they held several matches for them get it out of their system. Samus was one of those people; she'd fought against chain-smoker Snake and beaten the crap out of him. All she had to do was picture Link's face and she had plenty of energy.

No rumor of her and Link had spread; Toon Link must have been silenced by Link or Zelda before he could share it with his friend Ness. The know it all would have told everyone in Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft before they could've stopped him. Her training partner from Microsoft, Garrus Vakarian, would have mocked her for weeks.

Unbeknownst to her and his brother, Toon Link's mind was still processing what he saw. He'd seen Link blush, and Link had never blushed. But knowing his brother, if he did like Samus, then he would need help. So Toon Link left Ness and Popo to plan a prank as he headed towards Samus's room.

It occurred to him that he might be wrong about Link liking her, but Zelda had told him that if someone blushed when with someone else, it usually was because they liked him. Afterwards she'd given him a bedtime story, but that wasn't important at the moment. He reached Samus's room and knocked on the door.

Samus was sitting on her bed with her helmet off, having finally banished all thoughts of Link from her mind. A few had been entertained for a second but she had banished them. When the knock came, she went over and opened it, intending to tell whoever it was to go away. She paused when she saw Toon Link. She hadn't expected him; the child had such honest eyes. "What do you want?" she asked, resigned.

"I think we need to talk," he said, sounding very important to himself. Samus rolled her eyes but let the kid in her room. He hopped onto a chair as she folded her arms across her armor. "I need you to be very serious, because this is important," Toon Link insisted.

If Samus didn't know any better, she would have said Toon Link was about to deliver the Gettysburg address. "What is it?" she asked again.

Toon Link told her. "I think that Link likes you," he began. He didn't think anything of Samus's jaw dropping. "I'm not sure but I'm pretty certain that he might. We are the same person so I think we share the same thoughts sometimes, but I'm not old enough to like you so I'm not sure. Anyway, I think he likes you. Since we are the same person that means I have to like you too but I think we can come to an agreement there." He looked at her expectantly.

"Huh?" Samus managed. Was Toon Link giving her a talk? A twelve year old kid was giving her a talk about crushes. This was surreal. Toon Link took this as his sign to continue.

"Since I think he does like you… actually I'm not sure what happens next, because I never asked Zelda; I'll ask her for you!" Toon Link said, brightening up. "But I do know that it's important for the other person to like them back, so I have to ask you if you like him. Well, me too because we're the same person, but since he's the one of us who likes you it's mostly important if you—"

"Hold on," Samus said, her head reeling. Her head was spinning from his fresh wave of information. The thoughts about Link—particularly finding him shirtless—were returning. Dang it; why did he have to stop her from killing Marth earlier? This was all his fault! And yet Samus couldn't help but entertain thoughts of him. "You're asking me if I like Link?"

"Me too," Toon Link pointed out. "Because we are the same person and—hi Link!" Samus looked up in horror to see Link, just as horrified. If he'd caught anything Toon Link had been saying, then he was dead. Samus was going to kill both of them. Before Toon Link could do any more damage Link had him slung over a shoulder and running back down the hall.

"Link! I was talking to her for you!" Toon Link struggled. His voice still managed to carry to Samus. "Why are you blushing? Is it because you like her—mmgmgh!" Link must have finally shut up his younger self, but the damage was done.

Samus fell back in her seat, unwilling to accept what had just happened to her. She didn't recognize Marth was standing in her open doorway for a full minute. "Please tell me you didn't hear that," she begged.

"I did; so what?" Marth said. Samus glared at him, but Marth waved it off. "Girl, please; the way you were blushing it's obvious you like him. You just catching some of the love bug going around."

"Pardon?" Samus asked. She was considering punching herself until she woke up, and she could feel the red in her cheeks refusing to leave.

"Oh you know: Mario and Peach, Pit liking Palutena, Red and that girl from out of town, Ike getting with Lyn; It's not a bad thing," Marth explained, putting his hand on his hip for emphasis. "And not to sound too gay, but it's not like you would find Link hard to stare at."

"That's it. I refuse to have this conversation with anyone including you," Samus decided. She walked to her door. "Go do your hair." Samus then slammed the door in his face.

Needless to say, Marth was pissed. "Woman!" he howled. "Come back and say that to my face! I will disembowel you with your armor on and sacrifice you to Miyamoto! My hair is fine the way it is, you b—"

"Marth! What are you doing?" Peach shouted at him. Marth turned on her.

"Screw you! I will kill every one of you mothers and put a cap in your head, and look good doing it too!" he shouted at her. The angry prince stormed off, and Peach considered asking Mario for a tranquilizer.

In his room, Link was glaring down at his younger self. The damage that he had caused, after Link had nearly fixed it, was insufferable. Next to him, Zelda had her arms folded and was frowning down on Toon Link. The reason she was there was that Toon Link had shouted his news to her as they passed her.

Zelda knelt down to Toon Link's level. "Look," she began. "Just because you know something doesn't mean you need to get involved. Would you like it if we kept interfering with your games with your friends?"

"But Zelda!" Toon Link complained. "You both say I need to help people! I was just helping my brother. You're the one who said he was too slow to do anything on his own."

Link's eyes shot to Zelda, incredulous as the princess opened and closed her mouth. Crap; Toon Link had really passed the buck on that one. "Why don't you go play with Ness," Link said to his younger brother. Toon Link ran off, giggling about how Zelda was in trouble. Link kept his eyes on the princess. "Well."

"It's not what you think," Zelda defended. "I said that you always seemed to stick to yourself and that if you ever did get involved you might need some help."

Link's soft glare persisted.

"Don't give me that look," Zelda warned, and suddenly Link felt like he was being chastised. He felt the strange urge to look down at his feet, but held his gaze with Zelda. It did weaken and she noticed it. "However, he was only trying to help, even though the opposite may be true. That begs an important question: do you like Samus?"

Link's mouth opened and shut. In truth, he had admired her for some time, but he'd never given voice to the thoughts before. Of course, admitting it to Zelda would be like losing a race. "Yes," he admitted.

"Then I suggest you go straighten things out with her, in case Toon Link tries to help more," Zelda suggested. She would pray that Samus didn't kill Link outright when he got there. Maybe she should talk to Samus sometime; they were good friends. Maybe if Pikachu snapped out of it he could help as well.

What? Zelda's the one who said Link was slow.

They had little time to continue their 'adult conversation' however, as a hydra head smashed through the bedroom wall and tried to eat Link.


	4. Chapter 4: Master of the Hyrda

Chapter 4: Master of the Hydra

Where were we? Oh yes, a hydra head was trying to eat him.

Link had quick reflexes in avoiding being eaten. Aside from the various creatures he encountered in his adventures, there was also Kirby. The hydra head had nothing on Kirby as Link leapt aside with grace and panic. He drew the Master Sword as the hydra head came at him again, but a blast of magic from Zelda knocked the head out of the room.

Sounds throughout the mansion assured them that it was happening elsewhere; a shriek was coming from the kitchen where Peach had been starting dinner. Pikachu delivered a massive shock to the offending head and tackled it back out through the wall. "Pika Pikachu! Pi!" he yelled. _You insolent fiend! How dare you attack my dominion!_

The head withdrew, and in confusion Pikachu looked upward. There was not just one head, but seven heads. All connected to one body that was bigger than all of Giga Bowser. A thought registered through the Pokémon's mind. "Pi." _Crap._ Seven heads lunged at Pikachu, and the deft would-be emperor dodged it, sending a lightning bolt to the hydra. It only roared and came at him again.

Before Pikachu reacted, a large charged blast struck the head out of the way. Pikachu rejoiced at the sight of his general standing in one of the openings in the mansion's walls. He ran over to her and jumped onto her shoulder. "Pika pika!" he cheered. _Ah, general, what excellent timing! Let's get rid of this troublesome invader._

Samus looked at the hydra in front of her as two arwings and a wolfen flew overhead. This fight was just what she needed to clear her head, despite the troubling circumstances of why a hydra was next to the Smash mansion. She indulged Pikachu by scratching his head for a second. "Let's do this," she decided, and jumped down to take it head on.

She wasn't the only one. As Fox and the other two flew overhead, ROB was activating the mansion's defenses. A good majority of the smashers and assist trophies ran out to take out the giant hydra. Zelda was directing some of the long range combatants on where to target. Ike and Link headed up the gang of eight smasher and assist trophy swordsman.

Master Hand was out fishing.

Lyn readied the Mani Katti and struck as one of the hydra heads came at her. In a flash of movement the head fell to the ground, having been perfectly severed by her cut. Satisfied Lyn sheathed her sword for another strike when the neck started to rumble. Lyn checked her stance, only to be knocked away when two heads took the place of the previous one. She rolled her feet and looked around in alarm as heads spawned.

Mario saw what was happening and his eyes grew wide with panic. The other seven swordsmen were a little overeager to kill the monster and were slicing through heads so fast it was making his spin. "Stop!" he shouted to them desperately. "Stop! This-a is a hydra! The heads-a will grow back-a!"

Halfway through cleaving off another head, Link stopped as he realized what Mario was saying. "Guys, wait!" he shouted. The other swordsmen did slow their strokes as they realized they were fighting a hydra.

"Son of a mother f$%&#!" Marth swore. He wasn't angry about their mistake however; one of the heads had messed up his hair. He jumped on top of the head and began beating it with his bare hands.

"Geez, what did you guys think you were doing?" Fox radioed down to them. "This is a freaking hydra! And don't tell me you didn't know that; the word hydra has been written 13 times already, excepting last chapter!"

Ike shrugged like it was no big deal. "Eh, got excited," he muttered. Lyn rolled her eyes and tackled Ike to protect him from a lethal attack.

Samus considered blasting each and every one of them right there, especially Link. The hero in green had his younger self right on his heels and both looked ready to take the hydra down. Link did offer something. "Well, at least we know not to cut off any more," he assured. That was true, Samus thought as she started to turn her gun back towards the monster.

There was a big ripping noise, and everybody turned to see the hydra ripping its own heads off to make more. Samus turned back to Link and charged her shot.

Ganondorf stepped back out onto the battlefield and changed into his boar form. He charged straight at the hydra and was picked up and thrown by his tusks. He landed on Captain Falcon, but the ex racer didn't care; he—it?—was too busying crying in the corner. "That's really kind of pathetic," Red muttered. Snake closed his eyes and put in earplugs; nobody had the misfortunate of being his roommate.

Mario looked around for Kirby as the smashers went on the defensive. "Kirby-a!" Mario called. "Why don't you-a eat-a him?" He was shocked by Kirby's answer; the others were shocked by Kirby's answer; somewhere far away, Miyamoto and Iwata were shocked by Kirby's answer.

"But I'm full," Kirby complained.

"Great, the one time he isn't eating everything we need him to," DK grumbled as he punched a head. They were fighting a losing battle; they simply couldn't knock out as many head as were growing. Pikachu wasn't helping matters much either. Although he was trying to attack the hydra, he was also shouting to it that if it joined his army that he would make it his lieutenant. Pikachu's rants did little more than confuse and piss off the hydra.

"Where that's idiot who calls himself our manager when we need him?" Samus muttered. She stopped wondering shortly after. Not only would Master Hand not show up anyway, he was also really weak. But in a show irony, help did arrive to save the smashers.

Crazy Hand had arrived, singing the theme song to Elmo's world. He looked around at the smashers. "What are _you_ doing?" he asked, as though fighting a hydra was the weirdest thing in the world. Samus saw her opportunity.

"Crazy! Help us out!" she asked.

"Maybe. You'll owe me a favor," he offered.

Great; the psycho had to pick now of all times to show reason and rationing. But they were running out of time, and at least Crazy Hand wasn't a pervert. "Fine," she grunted. The twitchy hand went up to the hydra. As all of the heads lunged at him, Crazy pointed at the hydra and summoned his power. There was a flash of light and then the hydra was gone, completely neutralized by Crazy Hand.

He had killed the hydra by turning it into poop.

"I made poop!" Crazy said, managing to applaud himself. He began doing some sort of odd dance, shouting, "I made poop! I made poop!"

Cautiously, they inspected the steaming pile that Crazy had so happily converted. DK glanced over at Bowser tenderly sniffing it. With a kick DK knocked him into it. Bowser turned around and growled at him. "Yep, it's poop," DK assured.

Crazy Hand was still doing his poop making dance, and some of the kids had joined him in it—mostly to be able to shout poop without fear of reprisal. Several adults began to chuckle; after all, Crazy Hand had turned a monster into poop. Link shared a grin with his friends, even locking eyes with a smirking Ganondorf.

Then Crazy Hand turned around and ate all of the poop.

All celebration turned to disgust and vomit.

As people around him puked in celebration of Crazy Hand's newest stunt, Red marched up to him. He was used to dealing with Pokémon; Crazy Hand wasn't much different. "No!" he chastised, and the hand averted his gaze to the ground. "No! Bad hand! Spit it out! Spit out the poop!" Crazy Hand then proceeded to obey and spat it all out onto Red. The trainer turned green and puked everywhere. Pit risked himself to save his friend.

"Wow," Samus managed. "That. Was. Disgusting. There are a million more things I would do before ever dreaming of seeing that again." Fox nodded his head in agreement, trying to rub the sight out of his eyes. Samus looked at Crazy Hand again and had the feeling he was grinning. That's right; she owed him a favor now. Crazy Hand left them there, but Samus had a bad feeling about collecting that favor later.

DK and Diddy heard it first. They turned to see what was causing the noise. The rest of the top eight turned at DK's insistence. As noise became more apparent everything turned to see what was coming. The sound of footsteps thundered.

An army was coming their way. Thousands of faceless drones marched towards the smashers and assist trophies. Link readied the Master Sword in case they broke into a charge. There were so many of them they covered the horizon. Step by thunderous step the army marched closer. Finally, the marching ceased as the army came to a half.

Link didn't lower his sword, even as their ranks opened up to reveal someone coming towards them. A figure in a suit appeared from the mass of drones. He held himself properly and had the look of a businessman. The suit stopped in front of the army and threw his arms wide. "Fools!" he proclaimed. "Followers of faithless and traitors! Weak souls!"

"That's not nice," Pit pointed out.

"Well, I guess. I was just making sure you were paying attention," he muttered. He put his hands in front of him. "Anyway, I am the master of the beast you killed and I am your new master. Ah hahahahahaha!"

"Who are you exactly?" Samus asked.

"I… am the executive of the corporate board of the ESRB," he declared. The smashers and trophies gasped; this was a man on equal power with Miyamoto and Iwata! It also begged the question as to why he was here. Executive decided to answer that. "I am here to destroy you. For too long, the ESRB has been in the background. Now we are taking our vengeance on those who force us to rate such terrible games as Mature!"

"Wait, but Nintendo mostly makes games Teen and under. Why would you want to destroy—" Red began, but was cut off.

"SHUT UP!" Executive roared. "I'm freaking sick of you and the ten million Pokémon games I've had to rate! I'm sick of being forced to go through every detail of every game and rate it! Well no more! When I'm done with you, you'll be so Pre-K that I'll never have to bother rating any again! All games will be in my image! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

DK leaned into Mario. "Creeper," he muttered. Mario shook his head. Creeper or not, this was the head of the ESRB; even without the army he would be difficult to fight. Mario and Link shared looks, and then they both charged as the Executive. The Executive only gestured at the attacking warriors, and they were blown away by vicious stacks of… paper? Wait, was that written right? Paper?

"That's right, fools," the Executive grinned maliciously. "I have control over every lawsuit, contract breach, and legal document known to gaming! It's all under my control!" Around him, stacks of paper rose, twisting themselves far beyond normal into evil shapes.

"Wow; that's lame," Ike blurted out. A couple others voiced agreement. The Executive shuffled his feet.

"Well, maybe a little, but they're indestructible."

Ganondorf snorted in derision. "So? Link's shield is too. Does anyone remember everything that's been done to that bloody Hylian shield of his? You think it'd at least have a dent or a smidgen or rust. Pisses me off; I thought the Triforce was supposed to be unstoppable," he grumbled. Link grinned in spite of himself as Toon Link stuck his tongue out at Ganondorf.

Executive held up his hands in defeat. "Fine, it's a lame power, I know," he admitted. Then he regained his evil/crazy/creepy composure. "But it's not my only power! I can also use machines to absorb the powers of other people as well! Ha! Take that!"

"Oh please," Marth said. The prince then flipped his hair at Executive. "Is that why you're a creeper?" Several smashers laughed out loud at Executive.

Ness high fived Marth. "Nice one," he grinned.

"Shut up, kid," Executive ordered.

"Why are you talking to yourself?" Ness asked.

"I wasn't! I was tell you to!"

"Who's you? Anyone here know a you?" By now, each of the other kids was making ooh noises whenever Ness scored a point. It only egged him on.

"Screw you, punk!"

"Oh, so you punk must be a guy then."

"What? I'm not gay!"

"We already know you're depressed."

"I swear I'm going to kill you!"

"I thought you said you were going to screw you. Is it a love hate relationship?" Ness taunted. Executive looked ready to rip out his hair. He let out a scream of frustration. "Well, I guess I know who the dominant one is in your relationship with you," Ness added.

Executive glared evilly at Ness. A couple of the adults were switching between laughing and giving Ness chiding looks. When did he learn of such things? Pit wanted to ask what Ness meant, but decided not to. He simply made ooh noises with the rest of the kids whenever Ness won. "That does it!" Executive screamed. "I'm going to rip your intestines out in such a way God of War would be offended!"

Ness couldn't resist one last comment. "By the way, did you inherit your homosexuality through absorbing powers, or did that come with your inability to win an argument with a kid?"

More ooh noises were made and more people laughed. Executive screamed again. "I'm going to destroy you all! Starting with you and then prissy boy!" The look in Executive's eyes tipped Ness that he may have gone too far, but that didn't stop the smasher next to him. Marth cocked his head at Executive.

"What'd you call me, b$%#?" Marth asked. Ike rolled his eyes; surely the Executive wasn't that dumb.

He was. "I called you a gay prissy boy! Of everything I've reviewed and rated, no one was gayer than you!" Executive sneered, glad to have finally scored a point. The mansion's residents gasped in shocked as Marth's eyebrow twitched. No one had ever dared say that to him.

"Oh hell no," Marth said, marching towards Executive as he reached for his sword. "I am going to f#$%$& curb stomp you're a$$ until the ground matches my red cape!"

He ran towards Executive with a dangerous look in his eye, and at Executive's signal the drones charged. All the other smashers and trophies ran to back up Marth. The last thing anyone remembered before the fighting started was the sound of someone crying in the corner, "…falcon…"


	5. Chapter 5: The Chaper Preceding the Next

Chapter 5: The Chapter Preceding the Next One

To say the smashers were outnumbered would be an understatement. Even if Captain Falcon had been able minded, they were so ridiculously outmanned that any normal band of fighters would have been overrun within the first few minutes, if that. However, that's assuming that the smashers and assist trophies were normal fighters.

These were the best of Nintendo; odds didn't really concern them much.

Executive realized this about ten minutes into the battle, where a wide swath of bodies had been carved around them. His drones, endless as they were, had to climb over the bodies of the dead. By now they were dying the moment they reached the top, increasing the wall the Nintendo fighters were building around themselves.

The wall the smashers had made out bodies was becoming a serious stumbling block to the drones. Executive decided he should have worked on some sort of strategy first. In any sort of story, the army that just appears out of nowhere to challenge the smaller but determined band usually loses. But Executive did remember that the smaller band did lose numbers before beating the horde, and he had plenty of hordes. So he would wait.

And so, twenty minutes into the battle his drones no longer had the ability to scale the wall of their fallen comrades. Executive decided he would use this to his advantage; he commanded his army to bury and suffocate the smashers. At first he thought this would work. Then suddenly he was nearly ripped into two by a massive hurricane level gale. The wall of drones had vanished; Kirby was smiling cheerfully.

Kirby.

Executive groaned in frustration. Sure, the wall was gone now, but it was rapidly being rebuilt. Yeah, he had no chance of winning this battle with just drones. He would have to command the corporate board to build him a proper army. "That's it," he muttered. "Retreat, drones." The drones did so, still great in number but with a significant fraction of that number missing.

"Ha! In your face ugly!" Marth gloated.

"Don't think it's over yet!" Executive shouted as he slipped into his getaway limo. "I'll be back with a decent army and the ESRB corporate board to back me up! So go ahead and spend your time preparing for a final, epic battle, because you're going to lose and be made in my image! HAHAHAHHA!" With that he drove away as his drones retreated.

It was over for now, and the smashers were grateful. They were tired from fighting nonstop. Pikachu leapt up onto Samus's shoulder. "Pi. Pika pi," he mumbled. _Well done, general. We have defended my empire from the creeper._

"I don't think it's over yet," Samus told him. "Somebody that crazy and important to the plot always comes back."

"Pikachu, pi pi chu pika." _This is true, but for the moment being we can rest. I command that you bring me to the kitchen for a treat and then carry me to my bed._

Samus smirked to herself beneath her helmet. She could use a nap right now, too. "Sure," she agreed. "I can do that."

In fact, the few smashers with energy to spare were of course the kids. Ness had gathered Toon Link, Pit, Popo, Lucas, and Red to examine the poop that had been the hydra. All of them wanted to know if it had hardened yet, but none of them wanted to be the one to touch it. Link smirked at his younger self's behavior before sheathing his sword.

He spotted Samus up ahead with Pikachu on her shoulder; the 'dictator' was going on and on about his new reign's official laws. Samus had her helmet on, but Link could see that she was just sort of nodding and going along. It was fun to watch. Somebody bumped his shoulder and Ganondorf walked by. "Lover boy," he taunted.

Link glared at his arch nemesis. "Has Peach done your hair lately?" Link asked back.

"Screw you, Link. We've been over this before; I was raised by the Gerudo. You think some of that wasn't going to spill over?" Ganondorf insisted. Mentally, the Evil King was telling himself that he was not as bad as bipolar Marth, that it was a true product of his upbringing, and that he would eventually get the willpower to stop visiting Peach for his hair appointments. Dang it; why did the Gerudo have to be all female?

As Ganondorf stomped up grumbling to himself, Link started to head after Samus. After all, he still had to apologize for Toon Link trying to 'help' both of them, and perhaps he could hopefully work on something else as well… if he didn't get nervous and go blank. Just because he had the Triforce of Courage didn't mean that he was invincible.

Summing up his courage, Link walked up beside her. Pikachu went quiet as Samus turned to look at Link. He swallowed; there came the nervous feeling. "I'm sorry for Toon Link's… talk," he began. "And… yeah…" Link kept walking, leaving Samus feeling confused as to what he meant, while odd pictures of him shirtless popped into her head.

Pikachu looked between Link and Samus warily. "Pika pika Pikachu?" he asked her. _General, have you been… consorting with spies?_

"Huh? No, it has nothing to do with that," Samus assured her friend. Pikachu was harmless enough at the moment; there was no need to convince him that his fictional empire was being spied on.

"Pika? Pikachu! Pi pi," he laughed. _It doesn't? Oh, I get it! Don't worry general; when I rule the world I will spare the green one's life so he can be your sex slave._

"WHAT?"

"Pi pika?" _What, don't empires have sex slaves? Or should I call him your future concubine instead?_

As Samus debated rather hotly with Pikachu over why Link would never be her sex slave—as she banished the sinful ideas coming to her head—Link was ahead with Mario, Fox, and a weeping Falcon who had to be continually reminded to keep moving. Link was debating beating his head into Bowser's shell later; he just had to freeze up. It didn't help that talking wasn't exactly his forte either. Ganondorf would always insult him by saying that he was the inventor of the grunting language.

"Keep going to the mansion Falcon, and stop crying," Fox ordered. Completely submissive, Falcon did so. Tears continued to stream from his face. Fox felt a little green and turned away from the broken Captain Falcon. "So Mario, he said he would be back and it'll probably be more than just faceless drones," Fox said. "What should we do?"

Mario frowned. "We should-a first alert the rest of Nintendo-a to defend themselves-a," he decided. "And we should-a pray to Miyamoto and-a Iwata for-a guidance."

"Do you think they'll… you know, appear? This is the Executive of the ESRB, along with their corporate board. That's like sending a run of the mill npc to deal with the final boss," Fox noted. "Keep walking, Falcon."

Link, who had had been mentally beating himself up, thought of an important point. "Wait, he said all games. What about Microsoft and Sony?" he asked. Mario and Fox traded looks; that was a really good point. Once the ESRB was done with them, they would probably move onto the other systems. The executive might even force them to fight on his behalf. While they were rivals in console wars, they all tended to get along relatively well. Mario still had poker nights once a month with Master Chief and Snake.

"I'll call-a them," Mario decided. "Maybe we can get together-a for a great battle-a. Link, can you and-a Samus get the mansion's defenses ready?" Farore was mocking Link somewhere, he knew it. But this was important and so he nodded. He didn't have any idea how to do it himself anyway. "Fox, you-a figure out how to beat the ESRB-a."

"No problem," Fox confirmed and headed off. He grimaced as he was forced to take Falcon by the arm to keep him moving; the racer had started crying again. "Can't we change him back now?" Fox pleaded. Mario and Link shrugged. Groaning Fox trudged on.

Link examined the mansion as he walked up to it. The thing had more exits and windows than anything he'd ever seen, since smashers and assist trophies had a habit of throwing each other through them. It would be a nightmare to barricade and defend, especially from a source such as the ESRB. They were royally screwed. Why not abandon it? Every time one of them had to save the world they did it from going off into the blue. How would defending themselves work out?

He slowed his pace to align with Samus. "Need something?" Samus asked. She was still angry—at Link, because naturally it was all his fault—at having flashes of him shirtless running through her mind. Puzzlements of what was under his bloody head covering had cropped up as well; she didn't think it had enough decency to actually be called a hat.

"Mario wants us to get the mansion defended," Link explained. "He's going to call for reinforcements." Samus snorted.

"That's it?" she asked. Link looked blankly at her; obviously he didn't know that the mansion had a defense system in place. They just had to go turn it on. Still, Link would probably stare at the button and wonder if he had to hit it in a certain way. "Come on," she muttered. She led the puzzled hero into the mansion and past where Falcon was crying in a corner. She kicked open a door that led to the basement.

Stairs; there were so many stairs that Samus just wanted to punch the architect. Still, at least it was quiet around her for once; nobody came down here. And fortunately Link was the quiet type, silently plodding behind her. Toon Link's words just then chose to be cruel and pop into her head. If Link liked her, would he… stare? Samus didn't want to think that he would, but she suddenly became very self conscious about how she was walking. Crap; now she hated the silence.

She had her power armor on, right? So he couldn't stare… or maybe he would; Samus had no idea. Deciding that she didn't want to risk Link staring at her—even if he did like her—she purposefully stuck her foot through one of the steps. Link paused and stared her foot in confusion; how had it punched through concrete? "You go ahead; I need to pull my foot out," Samus told him. Still confused, Link passed her by.

Once he was ahead, Samus yanked her foot out and followed after him. There, now he could stare at her butt anymore, thank goodness. Of course, the word butt made her think and against her will her eyes trailed down. Then they stayed there. Samus swore to herself as her eyes refused to pull away; when did she become a pervert? It wasn't that… okay it was that good.

They finally reached the bottom, and they both gagged immediately. Apparently someone did visit the basement occasionally… and they stored rotting garlic there. "I am going to kill Wario," Samus swore.

"Not if I do first," Link gasped, plugging his nose. No wonder his farts were so potent in matches if this is what he ate; maybe they should just drop the fat farter off at the ESRB headquarters and let him go to work. Holding her breath, Samus crossed the small room to where a button was sitting in front of a screen. She pressed it, and the screen lit up.

In the space of the next five minutes, the mansion changed from a spacious Smash Mansion to a verifiable fortress with more guns and turrets than Ness could cause trouble with.

The screen displayed the words, defenses active. Link blinked. "That was easy. What now?" he muttered. Samus turned around to face Link, who looked funny with his face scrunched up and his hand over his nose. She looked around the room at the rotting garlic.

Five minutes later, they returned from the basement; Samus had ran up the stairs so Link couldn't watch her and she wouldn't be entranced by her. "Got the defenses up, huh?" Red asked as he came by them. He frowned and sniffed the air. "Is that smoke?"

"No," Link and Samus said simultaneously. Red stared at them suspiciously and then shrugged. It was Link and Samus after all; what trouble would they cause? After thinking about it, the trainer decided to just keep moving.

A scream erupted from around the corner. "Kirby! Stop eating Ike and Lyn!" Peach wailed, at the same time Marth began cursing and throwing stuff around. Kirby had eaten his conditioner. Link rolled his eyes and ran off to stop Kirby from eating something explosive while people were inside of him.

Across the mansion, _despite the fact that the ESRB had declared its intention to destroy them_, people were going about their lives normally. Olimar was using his pikmin to help roll Dedede across the room as Ness and Toon Link gathered with Pit and Red. "So what are we supposed to do?" Toon Link asked.

"Never mind that, I got more stink bombs from Crazy," Ness snickered. The others stared at him; so that was his source. They were more surprised at that Crazy Hand was able to figure out he could sell them. Red shook his head.

"I don't know if now's the best time," Red muttered. "Besides, Charizard's close to giving birth and—" He was cut off as the intercom came on; Mario was calling the top eight to the conference room immediately. Red gritted his teeth. "Dang it; I can't leave Charizard right now. Ness, go find Pikachu and—"

"Hey, why don't you send me instead?" Ness offered. A shudder went through Toon Link and Pit.

Red ignored him. "Pit, go find Pikachu and tell him he can go in my place," he ordered. Pit nodded and flew off to find the electric mouse. He found him outside one of the halls. Since turning the mansion into a heavy fort had removed bill boards, Pikachu was nailing recruitment posters for his 'army' to the walls with nails. Pikachu turned to see Pit and thought he was there to sign up.

"Pi pi!" he cheered. _Ah, so you are leaving Palutena's service to join mine! You are welcome, Pit._

"Um, no," Pit said; leaving Palutena? But she was so nice to him, and… you know… "I came to tell you that Red said you're taking your place back in the top eight."

Pikachu nodded to himself as if he'd expected such. "Pikachu," he muttered. _Yes, I knew they couldn't resist my tactical genius. Stay here then; when I am ruler of the world, I will make you my messenger and have you tell the cooks to make me treats._ The Pokémon ran off towards conference room, leaving Pit to wonder what he had said. The angel had only caught every other word. Falcon came crying around the corner and Pit ran away from him, trying to preserve his eyes. He ran towards the conference room as well.

The two original members of the top eight leapt into the conference room onto the table. "Pika pi!" he shouted. _Your emperor is here! Where are my treats?_

Everyone stared at him.

Mario cleared his throat. "Actually-a, reinforcements from the other systems-a are arriving," he explained. "I thought that the-a top-a eight should-a be here to greet-a them." Behind Mario, a large portal was opened. They waited to see who would step through first. Through all of their thoughts, as Kirby ate the conference table, DK wondered something different. How had Mario made all of those calls so quickly?


	6. Chapter 6: Allies for a Quest

Chapter 6: Allies for a Quest

The first ones to come through were from Microsoft. Their lead mascot, Master Chief, stepped through the portal first. Mario walked up to greet him. "Mario, good to see you," Master Chief greeted as they shook hands. It was strange to see someone seven foot and someone as tall as Pikachu shake hands, but the smashers supposed they'd seen stranger. "So this is the Smash Bros Mansion; never thought I'd be here for something like this. Who would guessed the ESRB would go crazy?"

"Anyone who read the story summary," Ness joked. He was standing in the corner.

"What are you doing in here?" Samus questioned. Ness's eyes widened as Samus pointed her gun at him. Clearing his throat Ness decided to leave. Next time, he would make jokes in his head only; but he was from Mother! He should have a spot there!

Master Chief cleared his throat. "Well, I couldn't bring as many as I wanted; the rest are preparing to defend Microsoft if it comes to that. It's a good thing we have so many apocalyptic games," he muttered. He turned to the portal and waited for his hand-picked companions. Seconds later they joined them through the portal as well.

The Microsoft team consisted of Master Chief of Half, Gordon Freeman of Half-Life, Sam Fisher of Splinter Cell, Garrus Vakarian of Mass Effect, Altair of Assassin's Creed, and Revan of KOTOR. Fox had an issue with this. "Whoa, wait," he said. "No offense, but I thought Revan was a Star Wars character, not a Microsoft character."

Revan looked at him for a moment before using the Force to yank hairs of Fox's tail. Fox ran around screaming, holding his tail protectively. "I thought so," Revan said. Obviously somebody had been on the Dark Side of things lately. Link filed him away under compatibility with Marth.

Around the room friends and/or rivals were saying hello to each other. Sam Fisher was sneaking off to deliver a pack of cigarettes to Snake while Garrus was talking to Samus. "So how's Nintendo been?" he asked.

"All right, I guess," Samus replied. Garrus was one of the few guys who could shoot better than she could. But he had that odd habit of shouting headshot whenever he killed somebody—even if it was a groin shot. "How are Shepard and the others doing?"

"Oh, that," Garrus muttered. "Shepard's been feeling a little towards the renegade side of things lately. People asking him for help instead of asking people who get paid to just that is starting to get on his nerves. Tali's been helping him out best as she can, but Joker made some comment about getting him a car that I don't get."

In the corner, Gordon Freeman just sort of stood there. It was partially because this was his first time to Nintendo. It was also because the author hadn't a single clue who he was and how to mock him, except that Microsoft people seem to closet worship.

Finally, Altair was finally able to say hello to the one person who had most influenced him and was like a personal hero. "It's a great honor to finally meet you," Altair greeted, inclining his head to him.

"Oh, thanks," Kirby replied with a smile. He eyed Altair, wondering if he would taste good.

As introductions were made and the Microsoft people sat down wherever they could—Kirby had eaten a lot of them; the survivors had chunks missing—the team from Sony arrived. Their leaders were none other than Cloud Strife and Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII. Who else could it be? Cloud stepped out and clasped hands with Link. "Good to see you, friend," Link said.

"You too," Cloud replied, if sounding a little more somber. "Killed Ganondorf and saved the world again lately?

"Yeah. How about you and Sephiroth? Still working things out?" Link asked. Sephiroth folded his arms—looking cool as he did it—and exchanged a glare with Cloud. That kind of settled Link's question; Cloud hadn't forgiven Sephiroth yet. After all, it had only been 11 years. Revan looked at Sephiroth and realized that if he could turn him to the Dark Side, they were sure to kick the crap out of the Jedi in coolness alone.

The rest of Sony's envoy came through. Cole McGrath from InFamous, Dollface from Twisted Metal, Nathan Drake from Uncharted, and last but not least Kratos from God of War. The demigod had the most noticeable entrance as he burst into the room roaring with bloodlust. He stopped suddenly though and frowned. Kratos had been hoping that he was going to be shipped straight into battle. Sulking, he leaned against the wall.

"Hey Dollface," DK greeted the flaming clown. "Still crazy as ever?"

In response to DK's question, Dollface laughed. "Course, boy."

"Yep, you're still a messed up creepy psycho. Good to see some things don't change."

Mario cleared his throat and called for them all to gather. Before they could however, Falcon shambled into the room. He personally wasn't capable of opening doors anymore, but it had been left open from when Ness had tried to sneak into the meeting. As he wandered around the room and cried, the males all stared in shock. "What happened to him?" Revan asked.

"We got tired of pervert ways and had him castrated," Kirby explained. "However, the procedure didn't go down quite as… planned." The Microsoft and Sony characters shuddered and protected themselves; Nathan Drake, who'd been about to hit on Samus, inched away from her. When did Nintendo get so violent?

They gathered together around where the table should have been and Fox began outlaying his plan. "Okay, here's what I got," he started. "The ESRB is going to be coming back here with not only a better army, but their entire corporate board. We don't stand a chance against such higher level beings."

Kratos began to object, but Kirby ate him before spitting him back out; there was too much blood on the demigod. However, he did absorb some of Kratos's powers, and gained two little blades chained to his arms. The pink puffball of war couldn't help but give them a test swing, making poyo noises as he did. Altair wished he'd brought a camera to see Kirby's great ability.

Fox continued. "Since we know they're going to be coming back this way, we'll leave the larger part of our forces here to meet them head on. It'll be a nasty mess but it'll have to hold for the time being. Meanwhile, before then several smaller teams will be sent out to search for some sort of power to take down the ESRB corporate board and their Executive."

"This Executive, how do we know he can't be reasoned with?" Nathan offered. "Maybe he just needs a vacation or time with a lady."

"He called Marth gay. To his face," Pit supplied.

"He's nuts."

"Right. So here are the teams I'm proposing," Fox said. "Samus, Toon Link, Garrus, and Pikachu will be team one. Kratos, Pit, Revan, and Red will form team two. Finally, Link, Altair, Kirby, and Cloud are team three. The rest of us are stationed here."

Garrus nodded in agreement. "Sounds like a good plan. What are our objectives?" he asked.

"Oh, just go out and look for a weakness for the ESRB."

"That's it? You're telling me that you spent all this time deciding that? What's wrong with all of you? Do you all seriously just go off into the blue without any forethought? Who here does that?" Garrus asked them. Link started to raise a hand, but Samus yanked it down for him. Everyone was silent. "You're kidding me. You mean to tell me I'm about the only game character who doesn't make it up as he goes, but reasons everything out first?"

It was Pikachu who silenced Garrus. He stood in front of him and glared up at the Turian. "Pika pika! Pikachu!" he shouted at him. _Silence, slave! Or else when I rule the world I will… make you my slave!_

Garrus stared at Pikachu, unable to come up with any reasoning for why a yellow mouse was declaring itself supreme emperor. The Nintendo characters groaned and Samus put Pikachu on her shoulder. She would have to explain that to Garrus later. Garrus looked at her, looked at Pikachu, and then gave up his argument. He had decided that any logic that existed met its demise in Nintendo, especially at the Brawl Mansion.

Fox took this as incentive to finish his briefing. "Well then, if everyone understands the plan I suggest the teams get ready to depart. We're not certain when the ESRB will return, but it will probably be while the teams are out looking for a way to defeat them."

"Doesn't that mean if we stay here, they won't come?" Revan wondered.

"Better not push-a our luck-a," Mario countered. He dismissed everyone from the meeting. Garrus still thought they were all doomed, but he wasn't about to give up.

"Well, I'm ready to blow the head off someone," he said, checking his rifle. At the sound of that Pit clasped his hands to his ears, a horrified look on his face. Garrus frowned at him until Samus whispered to him his identity; then the Turian looked horrified. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!" he shouted to the ceiling.

Kratos frowned. "What is this crap?" he asked.

Cloud took it upon himself to explain to the crazed demigod; there was no need for murder today. "That's Pit, the angel captain of Goddess Palutena. He has probably the only innocent mind left in all of gaming. We try to keep it that way," he explained. Altair was in the background protesting this, saying Kirby was perfect. He was unaware of Kirby eating his throwing knives.

However, Kratos seemed to find this funny and a challenge, and began to be cruel and mean to the little angel boy. "Oh yeah? That's crap," he shouted. "In that case I'm going to tell about this one time when I finished ripping somebody's intestines out and began to make my way to Aphrodite…"

Pit ran screaming from the room as Kratos laughed after him. The smashers backed away from Kratos slowly. "Palutena is-a going to kill-a you," Mario warned quietly. Kratos only mocked him with more laughter.

"Please, little man! I am Kratos, the god of war! I have faced Poseidon, Hades, Zeus himself; what makes you think that one goddess can OH MY GOSH I'M ON FIRE!" Kratos screamed. He ran in blazing circles trying to put himself out. Everyone looked to see Palutena entering the room; her usual staff had been replaced by a very sharp spear.

Without any mercy Palutena began to beat the life out of Kratos. Everyone watched in horror; it was sickening to watch but fascinating at the same time. Link grimaced and flinched at one particular thing Palutena did to the screaming demigod. When had Palutena picked _that_ move up? After what seemed like an eternity to a sniveling Kratos—who was on the floor bleeding out—Palutena looked around the room. "Does anyone else wish to corrupt my young captain?" she asked with a kind smile.

No one said a word. They'd just seen how quickly that smile turned into anger. Palutena nodded and disappeared in a flash of light, leaving Kratos behind. As he groaned getting to the floor, Revan made a point. "Well, at least she didn't do to you what they did to Captain Falcon."

And with that said everyone went back to preparing for battle. Pikachu went off to find his minion Toon Link so they could get started going. Link checked his equipment and glanced over at Samus, getting ready to depart as well. A thought occurred to him that this could be the last time they would see each other. He wanted to at least say something.

When nobody was paying close attention to anything, Link walked over to where Samus was checking her targeting system. She spotted Link out of the corner of her visor. Great; the last thing she needed on a mission was images of him shirtless distracted. There was an unusual expression on his face, like he was tense about something. It caused her to pay more attention.

"Hey," Link started. He tried to think of something not awkward to say; this was Samus after all, and she could just kill him outright. So Link moved to wish her safety. His move didn't get that order. "…Look after Toon Link, would you?" he said instead. Immediately Link mentally berated himself.

Samus noted the hesitation in his voice; curse Toon Link's talk and those shirtless images! The ones about him hatless reappeared as well. Wait; she could use that. Mustering a smile beneath her visor—not that he could see it, which was why it was okay—Samus replied, "Sure. Make sure not to lose that hat thing of yours."

Link's expression briefly turned into a smile, making Samus's heart skip a beat. What was this? She was Samus, the feared bounty hunter! _Her heart did not skip_! But those assertive statements were easy to lose in Link's very blue and very pretty eyes. They stood there for a moment, both feeling awkward and not certain what to say next. They were interrupted by Altair.

"You," he said, pointing at Link. "Kirby wishes for me to tell you that Red wants you. Something about his Charizard giving birth." Link blinked in surprise; that was a fast pregnancy. And he could've sworn somewhere that Pokémon laid eggs anyway. Nevertheless, he gave Samus a nod and ran with Altair in Red's direction.

Samus watched him go, telling herself she was saying goodbye to a friend and not staring at his butt. She heard noise to her right; Garrus was giving her a meaningful look. "Shut up," she ordered. More noise, and then Toon Link bounded into view, excited to be on an adventure. Wait, that meant she would be stuck with Toon Link… oh dear.

"Hey Samus!" Toon Link greeted, completely unperturbed by the awkwardness she was feeling. "Where's Link? I wanted to say goodbye to him." Garrus was staring at Toon Link; hadn't Link just left? And this one's eyes were huge!

"He just left," Samus said. Toon Link made an 'oh' noise and drooped. She couldn't help but cheer him up. "Don't worry; I promised to look after you." The kid gave her a bright smile and Samus called her team to move out, as Pikachu shouted about how it was time to take over the world.

In another part of the mansion, as Link, Kirby, and Altair ran to meet up with him, Red helped his Charizard through labor pains. Why wasn't she laying an egg, he wondered as Zelda, Peach, and Lyn helped him out. Furthermore, why was he being assigned to a team? Didn't they remember Charizard had been pregnant? It was like Fox had put these teams together based on pure humor rather than tactical strategy.

Charizard roared and set fire to a curtain; Squirtle put water on it to put it out. Finally, the moment of truth had arrived. While Red was glad that this pregnancy had ended very, very quickly, he was somewhat happy to be adding a new member to his small adopted family. There was always room for another in their closely knit group, and maybe with help from the other two they could take good care of the Charmander. Of course, that meant surviving this war.

Finally, the baby came out, and Red caught it perfectly as it slid into his arms. Peach cheered and hugged Charizard as Zelda peered to see the newborn. Red stared at it. Link, Kirby and Altair entered right as he found the will to speak.

"WHAT THE F#$%!" he shouted. "A MEW?"


	7. Chapter 7: Bob

Chapter 7: Teams Hoping They'll Randomly Run into the Weakness of the ESRB Experience Issues and this Chapter Title Will Undoubtedly be Too Long to Fit in the Chapter Select Scroll Thing Or Whatever It is Called Hey Do You Guys Know What the Name of the Scroll Thing is Because I Cannot Think of It But There's No Point in Trying to Tell Me Because I Likely Won't Bother to Remember or Care By That Point And Since This is Quickly Turning into a Run-on Fragment Chapter Title I Think I Should End It Quickly By Giving the Announcement That In the Chapter Select Scroll Thing This Chapter Shall Be Known As Bob

Samus felt a strange impulse to strangle somebody for having too much creative intent.

That, and she was also feeling a strange impulse to murder both Garrus and Toon Link. At this point, Samus was also considering killing herself when she realized that Pikachu—who was having hallucinations that he was the world's emperor—was currently her port in a storm of frustration.

But most of all, she wanted to kill the man responsible. And it was none other than a certain sword slinging, funky hat wearing, deep blue eyed, gorgeous blonde haired, heart fluttering—dang it! Samus groaned aloud and couldn't help but remember what had brought this torment upon her…

_"Hey Aran," Garrus began. Her team had already left the mansion, on a southwest course by the time Link and his team had reached Red. At this point, Garrus had been simply curious. "Who was that warrior with the sword? That was Link, right? As in 'the Link' of the Legend of Zelda series?"_

_Samus had opened her mouth to say yes, but Toon Link had already beat her to it, eager to speak about his idol/himself. "It was!" he said excitedly. Garrus turned to regard the younger, more cartoonish Link; he'd only ever heard of Link before. "He's me when I'm older and I'm him when I'm younger! But that gets confusing so we're just brothers now."_

_"Wait; you two are the same person?"_

_"Yeah, but we just call each other brothers. Besides, Link is so cool with the Master Sword and the wolf powers and the Triforce and…" Toon Link went on for a little while, telling Garrus that Link was so awesome he even forgave Toon Link each time he pulled a prank. Samus was contently walking ahead of them when Toon Link gave his final detail for Link. "…and he likes Samus."_

_The bounty hunter had frozen in her tracks; judging by the sounds of things, so had Garrus. "Link," Garrus began, "likes Samus Aran?" Toon Link nodded his head in confirmation._

_"Yeah; I heard him say so," Toon Link insisted. Samus had felt her heart flutter for the umpteenth time as images of Link reappeared, this time of his lips meeting hers. He liked her? She never would have guessed, since she was often busy trying to tell herself that she didn't like him. But if he did like her, then maybe…_

_Any bliss Samus had was ruined as Garrus began to chuckle. "Really now? And how do you feel about this, Aran?" he asked._

_Uh oh; Garrus was about to start pulling jokes on her now. As if Toon Link wasn't bad enough. Garrus _knew_ what he was doing. "Let's keep moving," Samus said quickly, her cheeks heating. Great, now that bloody Hylian had her blushing as well. Where had all this feministic stuff come from? Where was tough Samus who could keep her reserve fighting even Falcon?_

_"Well Aran, from what I've when we've fought together, I would say you have the, eh, _flexibility_—"_

_Samus whipped around, gun at the ready. "Don't. Even. Say. It," she warned. She'd heard about this story through his pilot; she'd mocked him then. Now it was his turn. Garrus decided to tempt fate._

_"All that remains is to see if he has _reach_ or—"_

_A shot missed Garrus by a hair's length as he ducked. Confused as to what was going on, Toon Link tried to solve the situation. He jumped onto Garrus's shoulder, hanging on. Samus gritted her teeth; she'd promised to look after the kid so she couldn't blast them both. Seconds later, she wished she did. "I don't know what you mean by reach," Toon Link admitted. "But I've seen Link in action before, and he has a long sword arm."_

_Silence._

_Garrus burst out into his biggest bout of laughter yet. Toon Link managed to hang onto his shoulder, looking at him and trying to get the joke; he had no idea how double sided the meaning of his words were. Samus knew she was redder than her armor underneath and stormed away before she was tempted to kill both of them. Pikachu stayed on her shoulder, giving her an odd look._

_He tried to comfort her. "Pika pika. Pi Pikachu," he assured. _Don't worry general, when I rule the world I will have him executed. Nobody makes fun of my general and her property—that includes your sex slave.

_Samus was only glad that Garrus and Toon Link hadn't been able to hear the yellow mouse._

* * *

Kratos was also pissed at the moment. But he was angry at something much less tangible: fear. He was Kratos, destroyer of Zeus and nearly every other major god on Olympus. There was no way he should be feeling fear about a small little angel kid who didn't even know how to swear. But he did. Kratos was terrified—not of the angel kid known as Pit—but of the terrible retribution that would come if he so much as swore in front of him.

Zeus was lucky he'd never had to deal with an angry Palutena before in his lifetime. The demigod kept his distance from the angel as he talked with his friend Red. The newborn Mew was sitting on Red's shoulder, eyes searching everywhere as they walked. If there was one thing Kratos didn't understand, it was how a red dragon gave birth to a pink cat looking thing. Didn't someone say it should have been an egg?

Revan led the group since he was used to leading teams of people; in fact the once again Sith Lord was happy that his team finally consisted of more than two other people. He'd upgraded to three other people, and was showing his enthusiasm by using the Force to push things so hard they shattered.

Meanwhile, Pit and Red were discussing the Mew. "So what are you going to name him?" Pit asked. Red shrugged.

"Probably just Mew. That's what he is, after all," Red said as he scratched Mew's ears. The baby Pokémon made content mew noises. The Trainer turned his eyes ahead to see where Revan was leading them. "Hey Revan," Red called.

"That's Lord Revan."

"Fine. Lord Revan, are you taking us over there?"

"You mean the conveniently placed cave right smack in front of us? Where does it look like I'm walking?" Revan snapped. "I have good experience with caves." And with that comment Revan led them into the conveniently placed cave. Red considered advising against Revan, except he remembered that Revan was a Sith Lord

Once inside, Kratos began to reach for the head of Helios so that he could light up the cave, but remembered Pit and couldn't. Red came through with Charizard, who used her tail to light up the cave. Upon seeing Charizard, Mew cheered and flew to her mother's shoulder. Ahead, Revan had stopped. Pit flew over his shoulder to see what the matter was. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"There's a sign in the middle of the cave, in the middle of nowhere," Revan muttered.

Red nodded slowly, not certain what was wrong. "Yeah; there are signs like that in the Pokémon world. What's wrong with this one?" Red questioned. The Sith Lord stared at the sign for a minute longer.

"Why is there a sign in the middle of nowhere? Who put it there, and why did they have the patience and idea to put it there? What is _wrong_ with you people?" Revan spat. He was obviously upset. Red thought about what he said for a moment, but he always thought that random signs made perfect sense; he'd come across them before. Kratos, rapidly becoming bored, asked Revan what the sign said. "It says that one part of an ancient relic is ahead through the giant Cyclops."

"You mean the one that's been standing there staring at us this whole time?" Pit asked. Everyone stared at Pit. "What? I thought that since he hadn't attacked us he was our friend!"

"You stupid son of a b$% angel!" Kratos shouted at him. "Why would it be our f%$^# friend? Now we're going to be pulled into some ridiculous battle where I ripping eye sockets out to save your a$$ because you didn't say anything!" Pit trembled in fear of the raging demigod, tears coming to his terrified eyes. All at once, Kratos became aware of what he was saying to whom, and a bright light began to emanate from deeper within the cave. Kratos took off running in the opposite direction, and Revan and Red watched Palutena give chase.

Then the Dark Lord of the Sith turned to Red. "Is this universe always like this?" he asked. Red shrugged. Revan turned on his lightsaber and faced the Cyclops. The Cyclops pulled out a giant club that was for some reason made of cortorsis, a material resistant to lightsabers. "What. The. Force," Revan muttered as Red called Ivysaur forth to help him out. "What are you, some weird lizard that only speaks its own name?"

"Ivysaur!" was his response. _Pretty much._

"Where's HK-47 when I need that metal tin can?" he cursed as the Cyclops swung at them.

* * *

Link's team was perfectly fine with each other. Altair was walking behind Kirby, wondering if it would be too much to ask for the puffball's autograph. Kirby felt a little fuller after Altair had begged for him to take his boots to fulfill his hunger; it had been no loss on Kirby's part. Link had his mind focused and ready on the adventure ahead of them. Only Cloud seemed a little bit confused about something.

"Hey Link?" Cloud asked. Link looked over at him. "Why did Red ask the three of you to go see him and not his team?"

"Oh, the writer made a mistake," Link answered. Satisfied with that answer, Cloud trudged on. It was quite the epic sight to see. Link, the Hero of Time, led the party through the land of Nintendo; Cloud Strife, wielder of the Buster Sword, by his side like a good friend; Altair, the deadly assassin, following in their footsteps without a trace of a sound.

And then there was Kirby, who was just plain adorable.

"So where should we head off to?" Link asked everyone.

"Food," Kirby replied.

"What Kirby said," Altair insisted.

"That conveniently placed cave over there?" Cloud asked, pointing to a conveniently placed cave. All four of them looked at the cave for a minute, and then shook their heads. "Nah, bad idea. There's even some random sign by the cave entrance. Seriously, whose games have randomly placed signs in caves?" Cloud asked everyone. They shared a chuckle.

Back in the other cave, Red sneezed.

Link and Cloud examined the horizon; Kirby was too busy trying to eat the earth and Altair was still deciding about that autograph request. Both swordsmen felt that whatever they were looking for would be far off from where they were. Naturally, that meant they wouldn't return to the final battle until just in time to save the day, traveling back what would have been hours in a matter of seconds through some unusual plot twist. "I wish Samus was here," Link muttered.

"Why's that?" Cloud asked. His eyes didn't betray any emotion, but he didn't mind knocking Link down a peg.

"She has a space ship."

"Oh," Cloud noted. He had not expected. "Crap. I was hoping you were setting me up to make fun of the fact you like her."

"Nope. How do you know?"

"We've been friends since we met; I know you. Er, I think I do. You change a little each game. So why haven't you moved yet? Too nervous?"

"…"

"Thought so," Cloud grunted. Link said nothing; if he didn't react then Cloud would get bored. That way he could focus on not blushing either. Was it his fault that he was attracted to the bounty hunter? Okay, yes, but it was a good thing, right? "You really like her, don't you?" Cloud asked.

Link wondered what Cloud was setting him up for now. "Yes," Link admitted, to his friend. At least neither Zelda nor Cloud was loudmouthed; of course Toon Link had probably ruined that already.

"What do you like about her?"

Where to start? The first thing he'd noticed about her was the kick butt persona. Samus didn't talk about getting the job done; she went out and did it. She had the athleticism, brains, and style to pull off any sort of crazy mission, as indicated by her games. There was also a sensitive side to her; despite her acclamations otherwise, Samus was softer on the kids and on Pikachu. Link had been thrown for a spin the first time he'd seen her smiling. Things simply continued to pile up, and Link had found himself getting tongue tied talking to her.

"Well don't worry; I'm not Toon Link," Cloud assured his friend. "Although, with him in her team, you may not have to worry about anyone else at all…"

"Let's focus on getting to our destination; we've wasted enough of a mediocre chapter," Link cut off, not wanting to think about it. "We need some way to get around fast. Where's Metaknight or Mewtwo when you need them?"

Kirby, who had given up trying to eat the earth, caught the last part of their conversation. Upon hearing Mewtwo's name he reached deep down inside and then spat up the psychic Pokémon onto the ground. Mewtwo sucked in air like he had been holding his breath underwater, dripping with saliva. The three warriors stared at him.

"OH MY GOSH!" Mewtwo gasped, sucking in clean, fresh air. "Do you know how long I've been in there? TWO MONTHS AFTER MELEE WAS RELEASED! I couldn't teleport out, I couldn't send a message for help… it was terrible!"

Link said nothing. Obviously, when they'd looked everywhere for Mewtwo for Brawl, they hadn't thought to check Kirby. Still, if Mewtwo was here, that meant that they could search for something that would weaken the ESRB. The psychic Pokémon flinched as Kirby said his name, afraid to be eaten again. He looked up at Link. "What have I missed?" he wheezed.

There was a pause as Link collected his thoughts. "New Smash, ESRB is trying to turn us into kindergarten nightmares, and we're searching randomly for a weakness," Link said. Mewtwo looked around at Link, Cloud, Altair, and shuddered at Kirby.

"Maybe being in there wasn't so bad after all," he half joked.

It took them half an hour to convince Kirby it was a joke.


	8. Chapter 8: Defense of the Mansion

A/N: Yes, it's been forever since an update, but I felt the quality sliding downwards and wanted to wait until I was inspired again. Speaking of, I got the inspiration for Dedede's part from Brawl; what he does is actually one of his victory dances after a battle. The poor Waddle Dee. XD

Chapter 8: Defense of the Mansion

As Link's team saved Mewtwo again, Revan's team fought a Cyclops for part of a relic, and Samus's team avoided murder, the rest of the mansion turned to fortress prepared themselves for the inevitable return of the ESRB's army. As Smashers, assist trophies, Microsoft, and Sony characters all took posts and prepared to defend their very lives, there was a feeling of tension in the air. Behind the doors of the conference room were the locations of their reigning leaders: Mario of Nintendo, Master Chief of Microsoft, and Sephiroth and Snake for Sony. Nobody dared to intrude, even Ness, for fear they would disrupt planning that would help to save the gaming worlds as we know them.

In actuality, they were playing poker.

"Maybe we should-a at least attempt to plan-a as we-a play," Mario suggested as Sephiroth began dealing the cards.

"Relax, Mario," Master Chief assured. "We're more than tough enough to stop the ESRB until the teams get back with something. Besides, don't we have those hand entities that run Smash or something?"

Snake snorted as he picked up his hand. "Please," Snake grumbled. "Master Hand couldn't Falcon even as he is now, and Crazy Hand would kill us just as soon as stop the ESRB. It's not like he's anywhere near as strong as a single member of the Corporate Board anyway."

"I'm-a just-a saying," Mario tried again. "That we should at least attempt-a to plan a strategy. It feels-a wrong to betray their trust-a."

"You mean Peach will be unhappy with you," Snake discerned. Mario said nothing but looked at his cards.

"If you and Peach are having issues, I could always talk to her," Sephiroth offered.

The other three snorted in laughter. "Only if I-a want Peach-a killed-a," Mario muttered sarcastically. Master Chief chuckled.

Sephiroth gave all of them the finger. "Screw you guys," he muttered. "That was just part of the game's script; she's not dead, she's back home waiting to hear if I'll come out okay. Besides, I'm cooler than the rest of you losers put together."

"He's got a point," Master Chief pointed out. Before any of them could say anything else, an alarm went up through the mansion; the ESRB had arrived.

This time would not be as easy as last time, Mario realized as he examined the army in front of them. They had assembled the majority of their fighters in front of the mansion for brawling, while more ranged people lined the walls of the mansion. Mario, Master Chief, and Sephiroth stood out in front of their forces, watching the enemy come.

More faceless drones than before had arrived, but leading them were actual fighter that could trouble them a little. The ESRB had taken some of the regular opponents and enemies from games and empowered them to be able to fight against Nintendo and their allies. And worse, not only had Executive returned, but he had brought half the ESRB corporate board with him.

Executive walked to the front of his army and threw his hands outward. Master Chief considered sniping him, except two things stopped him. First was that Executive was far more powerful than any sniper rifle he knew of, and that he wanted to see what Executive was going to say first. "Behold! I have returned, and this time I brought a proper army with me!" he declared loudly to them.

A voice ran out from the crowd of video characters. It was none other than Ness. "You brought them here? Where did you put them all?" he taunted.

"Not you again!"

"I mean, that seems like an awful lot of people for one person to carry. Did you have to shrink them all first?"

"That's not what I meant!"

"But you said you brought a proper army."

"I didn't bring them like that!"

"Oh, so you didn't lead them here to fight but to be proper. What will I do with all of these people asking me nicely for a chair to sit in?"

"Shut up, twerp! These are a bunch of deranged people who are going to tear your hide off!" Executive shouted at the cocky kid.

"That's not a nice thing to say about your friends."

"They're not my friends!"

"Now that's downright cruel," Ness continued. Executive screamed and nearly pulled his hair out as children made ooh noises to compliment Ness's verbal stings. Executive was starting to get a wild look in his eyes. At the sound of Executive's scream, Ness added, "Wow, no wonder you all aren't friends; how can you stand such a screamer?"

Master Chief leaned into Mario. "The trap Fisher is setting up is almost done. Can Ness keep this up?" he whispered.

Mario rolled his eyes. "Please," he waved off. Meanwhile, Executive and Ness were still going at it.

"Maybe you like pain?" Ness suggested to Executive, in response as to why Executive bothered at all.

"No I don't!" Executive defended.

"Oh, so you just suck really badly," Ness finished. He saw Mario and Master exchange thumbs up and saw Mario give him the signal. "Hey, what's that planted under your feet?"

Executive looked down at his feet. He frowned and then his eyes widened in surprise at the ticking bomb strapped to his leg. How in earth had that been pulled off? There was no way he shouldn't have failed to notice someone strapping a ticking bomb to him. Only one person had stealth skills that ridiculously good. He checked his back and found a sign that said 'kick me.' That confirmed it; it had been Sam Fisher. Unfortunately, Executive had forgotten about the bomb strapped to his leg.

All at once, part of his army noticed they also had bombs strapped to their legs.

All at once, the bombs went off.

No sooner had a small portion of the ESRB's army gone up in bombs planted by Sam Fisher—who had already managed to get back into the mansion and was shooting people—than the three representing their worlds led everyone in a charge.

Roaring in agony and humiliation, Executive ordered his forces into a charge back. More faceless drones, led by disgruntled and cowed game characters, met the combined Console forces head on. Epic things happened. Sephiroth slammed his sword down and began a duel with Gex the Gecko. Diddy was saving DK from being eaten by the Mountain of Poo. Marth was flipping his hair. Projectiles of all kinds flew through the air, striking just about anyone who wasn't looking.

Besides the disgruntled game characters, there was also a slew of movie or sports-based characters that Executive had swayed to his control. Dollface, still laughing manically, found himself facing the entire Cleveland Browns team—luckily for him they were the '05 version. Some others weren't so lucky. Gordon Freeman had to fight with the likes of Jean Grey as the Phoenix, assisted by Professor Xavier.

Mario used a smash ball to clear away a pack of drones and checked on how his fellow smashers were doing. With some of their best cleared away for the teams, they were having a bit of trouble. At least the other consoles and the assist trophies were holding up nicely. But they needed more. If this continued, they would be pushed into the mansion and then destroyed. The Corporate Board wouldn't even need to arrive. All they needed was a bit to tip the balance…

Near the left flank, Ganondorf and Wolf were holding the fort alongside Nathan Drake. Wolf and Drake would pick people off and Ganondorf would finish off anyone who got too close. Currently they were fighting a few of Ganondorf's rebelling minions. "Stupid Helmaroc King!" the King of Evil shouted. He used a warlock punch to help shatter the dinosaur's helm. Why on earth he created something that was so ugly it needed a mask was beyond him. But behind the Helmaroc King, the characters of Spider-man were coming at him.

"Spider-man?" Drake asked aloud, making sure he was seeing things right.

"Sorry guys; they own my digital soul," Spider-man said as he attacked them. He was much faster than Ganondorf and kicked him in the chin. Ganondorf grunted and got to his feet. They needed backup. Where were the others? Fighting or attending to Captain Falcon, likely. Wait…

Ganondorf turned back to his allies. "I'm bringing back Falcon," he grimaced. Wolf frowned in confusion, until he saw the Triforce glowing on Ganondorf's hand. His eyes widened.

"You mean you're… restoring it?" Wolf questioned tentatively.

"I feel tainted, but yes," Ganondorf grumbled, and used the Triforce.

Up on top of the walls, Falcon was crying and mumbling indiscriminately to himself. Suddenly in the middle of his crying, he stopped in wonder. Fisher watched Falcon stretch open his pants and look in. Then he looked up. Then Falcon checked again, and looked back up. A small smile came across his face.

Without any hesitation or provocation, Falcon leapt up onto the palisade. "I'M BACK!" he shouted to the battle below. "FALCON'S BACK! IN ALL HIS GLORY! FALCON YEAH!" Then he leapt into the air and made a fist. "FALCON PUNCH!"

Falcon landed, and the phoenix fire from his restored attack took out an entire wave of enemies, burning them to cinders and ash. Mario watched in astonishment and awe as Falcon then began single-handedly fighting off the entire ESRB army. His sudden involvement and strength helped to boost the morale of the Console fighters, and they rushed right back into battle. Among all of them, they could hear Falcon's decisive shouts, "I'M BACK! FALCON'S RESTORED, AND FALCON'S BLACK!"

He was restored to his manhood, and his issues as well.

Executive watched his army suffer a massive blow as Captain Falcon joined the fight. Not only was the newly restored smasher destroying huge portions of his army, he was also scaring away every single female among his ranks. They were running in absolute fear, as Falcon tried to not only beat the crap out of them, but seduce them as well. The latter wasn't working, but it was definitely assisting the former. So he stepped forward and gestured.

Great stacks of paper rose from the earth, and with a gesture of Executive's hands, it all came crashing down towards the Console army. They were flooded by the sharp edged paper that slammed them against the wall like water, and it held them there. Executive's army retreated, and far behind him artillery aimed at the trapped smashers.

"Wait, so are we being held in place by torrential _paper_?" Sephiroth asked. "This is not cool, Mario." The paper continued to move like tidal waves and strike the Console army against the walls of the mansion fortress, trapping them while artillery locked in on their position.

"We need to stop Executive so we can get inside!" Fox shouted amidst paper cuts.

"Really-a now?" Mario asked back. He was unable to give a command as he slipped under the surface. The ones on the walls were trying to pull people out, but it wasn't working quite right; they kept getting sucked in. Finally, Cole McGrath sacrificed himself to electrically shoot somebody into the air. He went under, and the shootee flew over the paper waves and landed in front of Executive.

Executive let out an evil laugh as King Dedede landed in front of him. This was who they had sent to stop him? "Prepare to become extinct, you fat Penguin! HAHAHAHA!" he laughed.

"Watch this," Dedede countered.

"Watch what?" Executive mocked. The artillery was about to fire.

In response, King Dedede jiggled his belly by patting it and then rubbed the jiggling mass right in front of Executive's eyes. Executive felt his eyes locked on King Dedede's stomach. There were _no_ words to describe what he was watching. It was worse than a train wreck; something beyond description but drawing him in.

Dedede jiggled his belly again and rubbed it, letting Executive fall into a terrible trance. Executive could have sworn that his eyeballs were burning in their sockets, but all he could see was this great mass jiggling and being rubbed in front of him. He couldn't even scream; his mind was losing any innocence it had left.

Meanwhile, the trance had left the paper uncontrolled and it had ceased. The Console army took their opportunity to burst free of the paper and get back inside. As the last of them filed in for what would be long siege, Metaknight called out to the penguin king. "Run for it!" he shouted. King Dedede turned and ran back towards the fortress.

Suddenly free of the trance, Executive did the first rational thing. "AUGH! My eyes! My eyes!" he screamed as they burned in place. "Kill them! Kill all of them!" he ordered. The artillery units fired at the fortress. It didn't look like Dedede was going to make it. That is, until Yoshi ate him and yanked him inside the doors.

No sooner had Yoshi laid a very big egg—Sephiroth silently hoped fate never made him poop out something as big as he was—the artillery fire smashed into the front of the mansion fortress, shaking the foundations. If they had been out there, the smashers would be trophies and their allies would be worse.

Mario turned to speak with the other heads as the artillery fire continued. "Well-a, it's up to our teams-a. Hopefully they-a will have found a weakness-a," he explained.

"True; judging by the artillery firing we're getting back through this door any time soon," Master Chief agreed. He checked to make sure the door was locked. "You sure they won't try to pick the lock?"

Mario thought about it for a moment. "Nah," he decided. Anything he might have said was disrupting by feminine screaming. Falcon was already back to chasing women, and Ike was defending Lyn from his advances.

Sephiroth leaned into Master Chief. "This is going to be a long siege," he remarked.

Master Chief sat down in a corner and rested a rifle across his lap. "As long as Dedede doesn't rub his belly in _my _face, I don't mind," he muttered. Sephiroth checked their time. The Corporate Board was getting closer; they were running out of time.


	9. Chapter 9: Pieces of Crap

Chapter 9: Pieces of Crap

By the time Palutena had finished beating Kratos, the Cyclops had finished beating Revan. The Dark Lord of the Sith had fought defiantly all the way, though. His mastery of the Dark Side of the Force had allowed him to match the Cyclops's oversized cortorsis club, and his use of lightning had done serious damage to an arm of the Cyclops. He had only been beaten when he'd pressed a wrong button in the quick time sequence and the beast had stuck his head into Ivysaur's flower.

Kratos hadn't stood a chance.

Red was the only one not physically or emotionally hurt, so he took over. "Come back Ivysaur," he summoned, and drew another pokéball. "Go Charizard! Hey Pit! Shoot the Cyclops in the eye!"

Pit, who had been in tears from earlier, nodded a little and then shot the target in question with barely a glance. The Cyclops roared in agony as it was struck blind by the innocent little angel. Pit beamed in joy as he watched Charizard then tear into her opponent. Kratos, unwilling to be outdone by an orange dragon that gave birth to a pink floating cat thing, leapt to his feet and used his blades help cut the Cyclops's legs off.

"Wait a minute, how come there isn't any blood?" Kratos asked.

"This is Nintendo," Red answered.

"But what No More Heroes or Madworld? I know for a fact there was blood in there."

Red paused and thought about that for a moment. After some thought, he really had no answer for the warrior. So he shrugged. Red was about to ask Revan, but it looked like exposure to the inside of Ivysaur's bulb had exposed the Sith Lord to something more mind altering. Currently, Revan was slowly moving his lightsaber back and forth, staring wide eyed at the blade.

"Dude, it just blinked," he swore. Red sighed as Pit started watching too in an attempt to see the lightsaber blink. Well, as long as Pit didn't get high either, Palutena wouldn't kill him.

On the other side of the cave, Kratos and Charizard were close to taking down the Cyclops. It roared as Kratos jumped on it to yank its eyeball out. But before he could, the baby Mew leapt from Red's arms, stuck out its tongue, and devoured the Cyclops in one swallow. "Mew," it called.

…

"What—on the other hand, I'm not sure I want to know," Red muttered. "It must be a mutation from being parented by a Charizard and a Mew." Kratos's eye twitched. Between being routinely killed by a helicopter goddess and the rules of Nintendo's world, he was close to snapping and killing everyone in sight. The only things stopping him was that the people currently killed would include Pit; if Pit died then Kratos was certain Palutena would make sure he ended up dead as well. He wasn't looking forward to dying again.

"Let's get whatever this Cyclops was guarding then," Kratos growled. He grabbed a phased out Revan, and Red and Pit followed him further into the cave. There it narrowed into a single passage, with a sign every now and then to tell them they were going in the right direction. All they had to endure was Revan's attempts to eat his lightsaber.

Finally, after several minutes of marching, they reached end of the cave. At the far wall, the surfaces turned to polished and cut silver. A silver stand, narrow and leading up to a flat square that had a red velvet cushion on it, stood out. And there, resting on the velvet cushion, was the piece of the relic that they had just fought for, that could help save them from the ESRB.

"What the h^%! It's a piece of crap!" Kratos screamed.

The relic was a pair of AA batteries.

* * *

As Kratos cursed about their acquirement of the relic AA batteries, Samus was leading her team further on. She was trying her hardest to ignore Garrus's jibes behind her, Toon Link's incessant philosophizing about what the implications would be if his older self was in a relationship with her, and Pikachu's occasional assurances that his new world order would wipe Garrus off the planet. This was all Link's fault. He was the source of her problems. Of course, she couldn't help but dream that he would come and solve them, too.

Bah; forget Link and his stupid green hat thing. She was better off with that pointy eared, green loving, grinning, amusing, kind-hearted, good looking—dang it! She was doing it again!

"Well," Samus said out loud, catching everyone's attention as she tried to distance herself from her own thoughts. "Do any of you have any idea where to go to next?"

"There's a forest up ahead," Garrus indicated.

"Good enough. We'll keep going straight then until we either find help or die. At this rate, it might be die," Samus growled.

"But if you die, then Link will be sad, and Pikachu looks sad already!" Toon Link defended. Samus sighed and face palmed her helmet. Ness was the only kid who had a lot of sense outside of his own gaming realm rules. And he just had to be a jerk about it too. Red was good enough… until you took him away from what he knew. Same with the others. Lucas might have been smart, but he was too timid to do much but follow the others around and scream when they managed to get stuck in the well again.

A beeping alarm threw off Samus's thoughts. She frowned and checked to see what the problem was, but it didn't take her long to find out. "Guys? When did we end up upside down and tied hanging over boiling pots?"

"Wha—Huh? How did I get here?" Garrus asked back.

"Pika?" Pikachu answered. _What the Furret?_

Toon Link didn't even have an answer. Samus gritted her teeth and set on finding a way out of their sudden predicament. Her arms were bound to her sides and she didn't have a clear shot on anything other than Garrus; then again… Her only other option was to turn into a morph ball, but that was mean dropping into something boiling that she couldn't recognize except as probably lethal.

"We have you!"

The voice came from nowhere, and Samus had to enhance her vision tens of times to realize the surfaces were alive with billions of tiny people. "That's right!" one of them went on. "We are the Minish, and we will destroy you ESRB spies!"

Samus groaned. The only people who were doing something about the ESRB besides themselves, and they were completely wrong. "We're not spies; we're looking for something to help defeat them," Samus argued.

"Liars! Why should we believe you?" one asked. Samus looked over at Toon Link, and the kid was more than ready to tell him who he was.

However, Toon Link was cut off as he opened his mouth; one other party member had something to say. "Pika Pikachu!" the yellow Pokémon screamed. _I am Pikachu your new Emperor and you will untie me! _The Minish looked among themselves for some sort of answer to the claim.

"I didn't know we had an emperor," one Minish remarked to the others. "I thought we were an autonomous collective."

"You're fooling yourself!" another retorted to the first Minish. "We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class—"

"Oh there you go bringing class into it again."

"That's what it's all about! If only people would—"

"Hi!" Toon Link finally managed, interrupting the debaters. "It's me, Toon Link!"

The Minish paused, and Samus could see them all moving closer to get a good look. "Toon Link!" they cheered, and cut down the kid hero and moved him to safety. "It's good to see you! But what are you doing with these people?"

"These are my friends," Toon Link explained. "You have to let Samus go, because older me likes her."

"Doesn't that mean you do too?"

"I'm not sure yet," Toon Link replied as Samus was saved from being boiled as well. "Oh, and you have to save Pikachu because he's Samus's friend!" Pikachu was removed from hanging as well, and jumped to Samus's shoulder. "And Garrus…"

Garrus looked hopefully at Toon Link, only to realize the kid was thinking about his relationship to himself. Unable to decide, Toon Link turned to Samus. "What do you think?" he asked her.

From behind her visor, Garrus could sense an evil expression coming. "Crap."

* * *

Gasping once more, Mewtwo used his power to speed the other four through the sky towards their destination. What their destination was, they didn't know. However, Link usually did well charging off into random places so he felt pretty good about it. After an hour, they slowed as Mewtwo reeled in pain, clutching his head. "What's wrong?" Cloud asked.

"I sense a disturbance," Mewtwo moaned. "Captain Falcon has suddenly begun… chasing Dawn, Peach, Zelda, Lyn, and Jigglypuff…"

"Crap," Link muttered.

They landed outside a place they hadn't been to before. It was a tower that was white with a strange diamond pattern on the exterior. Surrounding the tower was a giant wall, similar in design. It looked like there were guards of some sort inside the walls, so Mewtwo placed them down outside the walls. A steel gate barricaded the only entrance, locked with a giant steel chain lock.

"Don't worry, Lord Kirby," Altair began, kneeling to the pink puffball. "Your humble servant, Altair, will climb the walls and unlock the gate from the other side for you." He stood up and looked at the wall, only to find everybody up there. Mewtwo had teleported up. Kirby had flown up. Cloud had jumped. Link had killed the key master, unlocked the gate, killed all of the guards, and then climbed up the stairs to join them.

Feeling depressed, Altair climbed up after them, completely ignoring the open gate.

Once they were all in front of the tower, they went in. Inside was nothing more than a revolving staircase that led up to a top floor. Altair cracked his knuckles and turned to carry Lord Kirby up the stairs… and was too late again. Kirby had flown, Mewtwo had teleported, Cloud had jumped, and Link had used Farore's Wind. "I feel very small in Kirby's sight," Altair whispered as he ran up to join them.

A single man, wielding a sword, was waiting for them. "Hello, Link and friends," the man greeted. He had fiery red hair and was dressed in strange clothing that looked faintly familiar to Link. He drew his sword and faced them, ready for a battle.

"Wait, I know you," Link called. "You're Joshua of Fire Emblem."

Joshua nodded. "Yeah, I am. After I was paid for my role in FE8, I got a job defending the relic that is contained above us. I have to kill anyone who is unworthy of accessing it. Anyone who is worthy, I have to tell them how to access the relic," he explained. "It's a little rough, since I don't get many days off to go see Natasha, but it pays well and I get great benefits."

"You see, this is what Sony needs," Cloud grumbled. "We don't have any retirement or supplementary careers other than casting, and it really sucks that they screwed me out of royalties for that movie."

"Are we worthy?" Altair asked. "We must be; Lord Kirby is with us."

"The only way to find out is for me to fight you. If you win, you're worthy. If you're dead, then not," Joshua explained. "They were specific about that; this relic's highly important."

"Is it AA batteries?" Mewtwo asked.

"No, but it uses AA batteries," Joshua answered the question. He dropped into a fighting stance. Link and Cloud drew their weapons. Joshua wasn't the main character of his Fire Emblem game, but games didn't always tell the truth. He was one of the greatest swordsmen ever born, and probably could take Sephiroth with just an iron sword. And right now he had an official Nintendo Relic Guardian; those things packed a punch. This wouldn't be an easy fight by a long shot.

Altair began to draw his sword as well, but then he paused. "Wait; what if we made a coin flip first?" he asked. Joshua immediately lowered his sword and fished a coin out of his pocket.

"Sure; I haven't had a bet in decades," he said, eyes gleaming with anticipation. "Call it." They did, and Joshua flipped the coin into the air. It came down and the swordsman snatched it out of the air before revealing what it was. "Dang; I lost. All right, so instead of maiming all of you I'll just tell you how to access the relic instead."

Link, Cloud, and Mewtwo sighed in relief and put their swords away. Kirby smiled and patted Altair on the boot for his good work. Altair promptly passed out from enthusiasm. "So how do we get this relic?" Link asked.

"That's easy. There are six switches on the floor, right?" Joshua noted. "You have to stand on all of them and the relic will be lowered down. But they can only be pressed down by actual weight and no magic. Furthermore, I can't help you at all with it or I'll risk my job. So it looks like the five of you are out of luck."

"What if we knock you out and use your body?" Mewtwo questioned.

"Good point," Joshua noted. He turned and jumped out the window instead. They watched him hit the ground, briefly die, come back to life, and run home to Jehanna.

"Dedication," Link noted.

Cloud snorted. "Hey, didn't you hear how great his benefits were?" he reminded. "But what are we going to do? There's you, me, Mewtwo, Kirby, and that Altair passed out over there, but that's only five of us. We need one more person."

At the sound of one more person, Kirby perked up and ran over to where they were. He opened his mouth, reached around for something inside, and then spat out a saliva soaked Roy.

"FREEDOM!" Roy cried, stretching his arms to the heavens.

"I thought I'd bumped into somebody else at some point," Mewtwo muttered.

Once the shock had worn off of Roy and they'd informed him of the situation, they set to getting the relic. They woke up Altair and then they all stood on a switch. Just as Joshua had assured, part of the ceiling lowered to reveal the relic, sitting on a red velvet cushion.

The six could only stare at the relic.

Link scratched his head. Cloud gaped. Kirby thought about eating it. Altair swore obeisance to Kirby. Mewtwo gaped at it. Roy kept distance from Kirby. Finally one of them were able to speak. "This is it?" Roy asked. "I was inside Kirby for years on end, finally freed during the gaming equivalent of Armageddon, and we just scored a sacred _rock_?"

"A rock with an insert for AA batteries," Mewtwo added.

They stared at the strange rock some more. Finally Link picked it up and put it in his pocket. "Well, on that weird note, back to saving all known gaming?" he asked. The others shrugged and they started heading back down. One thought was going through all of their minds. How was the author going to manage to increase the epicness while finding better humor than a sacred rock with a spot for AA batteries?

* * *

A/N: Increase of 5 Karma to the person who can recognize the quote.


	10. Chapter 10: The Greatest Imaginable

Chapter 10: The Greatest Imaginable

"Look! There's the mansion!" Pit shouted. "And there's the ESRB… oh, they're in our way." Hearing the angel's shouts, the entire army turned to see the team of four standing there. Kratos only groaned; he had been beaten for swearing at the end of his previous part.

"And now they know we're here. I hate all of you," Revan muttered, back to his senses. He used the Force to strangle the soldiers closest to him. A part of him considered strangling his party members as well, but then he came up with something far more devious, so he let them live for the moment. Besides, they had stopped him from eating his own lightsaber.

Kratos's battle senses went off as he felt something. "We're in trouble," Kratos noted. "Look over there; the Corporate Board has arrived." They looked and sure enough, the eight members of the Corporate Board were approaching, surrounded by their personal guard. Executive stood welcoming his fellow powerhouses. Red only hoped that their acquired AA batteries would be able to help save them from the full power of the ESRB.

"Hey there," a voice called. They turned to see Link and his party arriving, joining them. Link nodded towards Kratos, his one-time sparring partner. Before the green hero could say anything or ask about what was happening, he was interrupted by Mewtwo and Roy throwing themselves at Red's feet.

They were sobbing and pointing at Kirby, who had been carried by an ecstatic Altair. "Please! Capture me! Anything so that I can be summoned away in case it happens again!" Mewtwo begged.

"Me too!" Roy pleaded. "I'll do anything! I'll even be in your battles!"

Red blinked in confusion, until it was explained to him that all this time they had been inside Kirby. He shuddered at the thought and held onto the baby Mew more tightly, not wanting it to get sucked into the endless abyss of a pink puffball that ate like it was going through withdrawal.

Link and Cloud turned the conversation to Revan and Pit. "So the Corporate Board's here?" Cloud noted as Kratos nodded. "Well that's as close to game over as it can get. Did you guys find anything to help stop them?"

"We found a pair of AA batteries," Revan replied.

"Well we found a rock that uses AA batteries," Link supplied.

"How does a rock use AA batteries?"

"Don't ask me; I barely know how to change light bulbs."

Meanwhile, Red was showing the baby Mew to Mewtwo, who was studying the baby appreciatively. Then Mewtwo shook his head at the story that Red told him. "That can't be true. Mew is not this Pokémon's father," he countered. Everybody paused and turned to their conversation, ignoring the massive army right next to them.

"What?" Red asked. "How? Mew was sent in as a Charizard."

"Look, I know Mew," Mewtwo assured. "Mew's great; even got me into Melee. But Mew can't be the father because Mew is a _girl_."

"… Huh?"

"Mew is my older sister, Red, even though she doesn't act like it. I should know of all people. If anything, Mew tricked the saboteur to letting her in so she could check on Charizard's status," Mewtwo explained.

There was silence, where the only noise was the baby Mew making cute noises. Red felt a massive amount of anger rising. "So who's the father then, the one opposite my Charizard?" he asked quietly. Mewtwo leaned in and told him.

Far across the battlefield, in the mansion, everybody heard a loud ferocious roar of, "YOSHIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

Yoshi ran and hid in the corner.

Red fumed worse than he had when Charizard gave birth to a live Mew. Cloud looked at Link for an explanation. "Yoshi plus Charizard equals Mew?" he asked. Link shrugged. None of this made sense to him anymore; stupid author.

Pit slapped his forehead and laughed. "I get it!" he cheered. "Yoshi and Charizard called the stork to bring them a Mew because they wanted their baby to be special! And Mew helped to keep the secret! It's so cool!"

There was a silence. "Uh, sure Pit," Roy replied.

"That's not how it works," Kratos argued. Pit looked at him in shock, and Kratos suddenly realized he was close to death again. "Um, I mean, they wrote to the stork. That's why it takes so long."

"Oh, that makes more sense, I guess," Pit agreed. "So what do you guys want to do about the army over there that wants to murder us?"

The ten of them looked over to the portion of the army that was coming to finish them off and prevent them from reaching the mansion. All of them readied their weapons until Link was struck by something green.

It was Toon Link, his younger self/brother. "Link! You're okay!" he cheered, hugging Link tightly. "We got to see the Minish again!"

Link blinked and then nodded, patting Toon Link on the head. He turned to see Samus and the rest of her team joining them. Part of him was relieved to see Samus and Toon Link were both safe. He paused; it was good to see Pikachu and Garrus too, he guessed. Come to think of it, Garrus looked in agony.

"Well, that was the strangest journey I ever took," Samus grunted. "We got instructions from really tiny people on what to do with a rock and AA batteries."

"We got the rock and the AA batteries," Link supplied. Their eyes met, and Samus felt a funny warmth from seeing his friendly blue eyes. She couldn't help but smile beneath her visor.

"I guess we just need to get back to the mansion then. Oh great; the Corporate Board, the Executive, and his giant army of death are between us and them," she commented dryly. "Any ideas on how to get past?"

Link shrugged and took up his sword, intent on simply cutting a path. The others started to raise weapons as well, but they were stopped again by a small yellow mouse. "Pika pika!" Pikachu shouted. _What are you fools doing? This is not how the Emperor should fight, despite how easy it would be. Let me summon my army to fight a path for us instead!_

Samus sighed and looked at her delusional friend. Then she realized that if he did summon that army and it didn't come, he would realize it was all fake. "Sure, go ahead," Samus encouraged.

"Pika," he replied. _Thank you General_. The Pokémon gathered himself to his full height and screamed to the heavens. "Pikachu!" _Come to me my army!_

Nothing happened.

Samus had expected that, and could help but grin at the sight of her friend shouting to the heavens. Kratos was torn between laughter and suspicion, uncertain if Pikachu had a protective goddess as well. The rest of the Nintendo characters were sighing as Mewtwo asked what on earth Pikachu was doing. Then she heard a rumbling. She turned around and her jaw dropped through her helmet.

Pikachu's army had come.

Shouts of fealty and war came from a teeming mass of death. Tanks, jeeps, artillery, foot soldiers, Special Ops, APCs, attack helicopters, fighter jets, stealth bombers, carriers, cruisers, long range battleships, mobile SAMs, flying command centers, and more all bore the symbol Samus had seen Pikachu scrawl one day. Her helmet could even detect multiple ICBMs ready to strike at the heart of the ESRB. Her jaw continued to drop. There had to be at least ten-thousand regiments and units ready to die for Pikachu's cause.

"I guess we should have expected something like this," Link whispered, awed by the sheer magnitude and strength.

Revan glared at Pikachu. "Did you steal the Dark Star?"

Pikachu ignored him and pointed towards the ESRB before letting out a battle cry. "PI!" he roared. _Forward!_

"For Emperor Pikachu!" the armies resounded, and they charged forward in a fanatical frenzy, guns blazing everywhere as they crashed head first into the ESRB's backside. The three teams took the opportunity to charge forward as well, seeking the doors of the Smash Mansion.

Link brought the Master Sword down on a drone and gave Toon Link a toss, throwing him like a spear at another one. Garrus sniped two guys with one bullet. Kratos sucked their souls. Revan devoured their Force energy. Samus sent missiles in every direction. Red's Pokémon teamed up with Mewtwo to deliver a quadruple finish. Roy and Cloud twirled as their swords flew. Pikachu recruited some of the drones to his army. Kirby just ate them. Altair had gathered more assassins to fight for their liege Kirby.

The Executive shot a wave of paper at them, meant to trap them. Samus began to charge her zero shot to slow it from reaching her, but then Link jumped in front of her. He summoned the Triforce and directed all of its power to himself instead, taking all of the damage. "You idiot! What did you do?" she shouted.

"Saved the day," Link coughed. Samus sighed and picked slung one of his arms over her shoulders.

"Come on, then," she grunted. "We're not done yet." She gave him a heart container to get him back on his feet and led back into the battle.

With their combined efforts they managed to break through the ESRB's lines and headed straight for the mansion. Seeing the teams returning—and the ridiculously huge army Pikachu had called up in five minutes—Mario led everyone out of the mansion back towards the fighting. The mansion emptied of Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft as they took the ESRB head on. More fighters joined the mansion as other characters, including even Palutena, Din, Nayru, and Farore joined the fighting.

The Corporate Board and Executive headed for the returning teams, intent on destroying whatever they had gathered. Indestructible paper and the powers of the Corporate Board came hurtling towards the Smashers, intent on stopping them. "Quick, we have to use the relics now!" Link shouted. "What do we do?"

"Get the batteries in the rock!" Samus shouted as she knocked away a drone captain.

"Done!" The rock suddenly lit up and a beam of light shot up into the sky.

"Now where's Mario!" Samus called. "We need the top three to touch the rock, and that will summon the two greatest of all Nintendo!" Link and Samus fought together to reach the other smashers, who were fighting to reach them. Meanwhile, the ESRB leaders were growing closer, threatening to blow them away.

"Here-a!" Mario shouted to them. Corporate power shot at Mario. Palutena and the three goddesses used what power they had to mitigate it. Link and Samus used their grapple chains to grab him and pulled him through the power towards the rock. He put his hand on it with them, and a shockwave erupted.

The shockwave killed the fighting and knocked everyone off their feet. Fighting around them slowed and stopped as the beam in the sky grew wider into a pillar of light. Both sides watched as two people descended down towards them. As they grew closer, they became recognizable, and all the Nintendo characters fell to their knees, including all four goddesses.

"I never-a thought I'd-a see the day-a," Mario sighed, tears coming to their eyes.

Link felt unworthy to be in their presence. "Great ones," he whispered. There were no words to describe how blessed and honored the Nintendo characters felt.

Miyamoto and Iwata had arrived.

"Hello children," Miyamoto greeted. "We're glad to see you; you've all been doing excellently."

"It's always nice to see how far they've come on their own, isn't it?" Iwata added, speaking to his friend. "It's okay; you can get up." The Nintendo characters rose unsteadily to their feet.

Kratos frowned as he at the two people who were floating in the air above them. Something didn't sit right with him. "That's it?" he asked. "Who are these guys to be so special?" A collective gasp went from the other Sony and Microsoft characters as the Nintendo ones glared at Kratos.

Pit grabbed Kratos by the head and slammed him into the ground, shattering his face. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MIYAMOTO AND IWATA THAT WAY!" he howled at Kratos. "IF YOU EVER USE SUCH VULGAR TERMS TOWARDS THEM AGAIN, I F#%$^! SWEAR THAT I WILL SMEAR YOUR BLOOD ACROSS THE WALLS AS A WARNING TO ANY THAT MIGHT BLASPHEMY THE GREAT MIYAMOTO AND IWATA!"

Kratos shivered and cried like a baby at the suddenly violent Pit; he curled up into a ball off to the side. Palutena smiled and ruffled Pit's hair. "That's my little Angel captain," she cooed. Pit's cheeks turned red as he started smiling.

Miyamoto and Iwata turned towards the Executive and the Corporate Board. "So Miyamoto and Iwata did come," the Executive sneered. "That doesn't matter! You can't stop me… hey where is everybody?"

The ESRB's army, upon seeing the holy visages of Miyamoto and Iwata, had run away. Only the Corporate Board remained. Miyamoto turned to Iwata. "Do you want to, friend?" he asked.

"Sure," Iwata agreed. He flicked his hand. Great holy white energy and creativity struck the Corporate Board, who vainly tried to fight back with their powers. But it was futile as Iwata casually flicked his wrist again. They screamed as the fresh wave of energy hit them and turned them to dust.

"NO!" Executive screamed. "That's it! Now you die!"

"Go ahead Miyamoto," Iwata offered.

"Are you certain?" Miyamoto asked.

"It's no problem. You like to have fun, friend."

Miyamoto chuckled. "I do," he agreed. Abruptly Miyamoto disappeared and then reappeared in front of Executive. He smiled at him, and then hit him with a reverse side kick. Executive staggered, and Miyamoto round-house kicked Executive's teeth out. As Executive gasped in pain, Miyamoto used the People's Hammer on Executive's head, pinning in the ground.

"Please! You wouldn't kill me, would you?" Executive pleaded.

Miyamoto and Iwata chuckled some more. "No, we wouldn't," they assured. "Prince Marth?"

Executive watched in horror as Marth stepped out from the crowd, fixing his hair as he stepped forward. "Good night, cracker," Marth jeered, and then curb stomped Executive. After a long and strange conflict, the threat of the ESRB was gone.

Cheers erupted from the game characters and the remaining parts of Pikachu's army. People threw things into the air; Link spun Toon Link in circles and Sephiroth used his awesomeness to summon fireworks in celebration. Miyamoto and Iwata turned to go. "Excuse-a me," Mario called to Miyamoto and Iwata as they began to ascend.

"What is it, child?"

"We were-a wondering if you could-a change-a Master Hand as the mansion leader," Mario asked. Miyamoto and Iwata traded looks.

"We must confess something to you," they began. "We don't where Master Hand is."

The top eight of Nintendo frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?" Fox asked, holding Kirby so he didn't eat his assassin followers.

"He's missing; we've had a replacement for him since the original Smash Brothers," Miyamoto and Iwata explained. "Moments after it started he went for a trip to the restroom and he never returned. That's why he seems so inept; he's just a replacement while we look for the real one. And unfortunately Crazy Hand isn't much of a help as to where he went."

The top eight of Nintendo looked over at Mewtwo and Roy, and then looked at the pink puffball known as Kirby. "What, poyo?" Kirby asked.

"Kirby," Mario warned. "Spit him out-a."

Kirby sighed and then spat out Master Hand. "AUGH! FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!" Master Hand screamed.

Miyamoto looked at Iwata. "Wow; even _we_ wouldn't have looked there."


	11. Epilogue: Noun, a Concluding Part

Epilogue: Noun, a Concluding Part to a Literary Work

"It feels so good not to be dying and being digested," Master Hand remarked happily. He sat at the head of a board meeting, where the top eight of Nintendo were there. Crazy Hand was there as well, but he was leashed and was currently flicking _something_ at everybody. After what happened to the hydra, nobody wanted to ask. "Brother, cut it out."

"Haha, you lose."

"What?" Master Hand asked.

Crazy Hand laughed. "Moo goes the level!" he sang.

"Oh shoot, um," Master Hand thought aloud. Then he snapped as he came to it. "Crazy! Squeaky red!" In response, Crazy Hand sighed and calmed down, sitting and pouting in the corner. Master Hand turned back to the top eight. "It's been a while. Now, on to the finishing matters at hand… wait, where's Pit?"

Everyone looked at Kirby. "I didn't eat him," Kirby assured.

"Wait, here he is," DK called out. "He's just passed out in his chair with a smile on his face. Pit, you okay?"

"Yes… Palutena hugged me for doing a good job… She's so nice and, and…" Pit sighed dreamily.

Master Hand stared over at the spot where Pit's voice was coming from. "A whole lot's changed since I've been gone, hasn't it?" he asked. Everybody nodded a lot. Pikachu demanded to know the status of his army. Master Hand ignored them and went on. "So like I was about to say, what is the final outcome of the ESRB incident?"

"They are-a defeated and-a routed," Mario answered. "Executive and the-a Corporate are-a no-a more. Our friends have-a returned to their own-a homes and our numbers are recovering."

"Damage to the Smash Mansion is being repaired as we speak," Fox replied. "The wireframes may be dumb as rocks, but when given proper blueprints they do an okay job. As to the landscape around the mansion, that's just going to have to grow back."

"And finally, the relics have been placed back in their appropriate places," DK finished. Master Hand nodded and pointed at each of the smashers. Pikachu demanded to know where his army is.

Master Hand sighed. "They're dead, you little mouse," he finally shouted.

"Pika pi!" Pikachu shouted back. _You will pay for those lies, gloved slave!_

Samus sighed. "Well, the only issues remaining are what to do with Falcon, and the returned Melee members."

"I've already taken care of those issues," Master Hand assured. "Captain Falcon _and_ Pikachu will be submitted to therapy. Pikachu's joining him since whatever started this episode has made him actually dangerous. It's just a good thing that the Pokémon fans are dead for the moment; we can deal with low sales for a while in that department. As for Mewtwo, he will be serving as the secretary of the mansion, and Roy has agreed to work as the mansion's tender. Apparently, he has a green thumb."

Link frowned and stared at his own thumb to make sure it wasn't green as well, but Samus groaned and slapped his hand down. Pit sat back up, and DK spoke. "I wonder if any other melee people were in Kirby?" he asked.

"Well Young Link turned into Toon Link, and Dr. Mario was just an alter ego for Mario," Fox answered. "Pichu's the only one who's missing."

At hearing that, Kirby spat something out. "Hey, it's a pair of blue goggles," DK commented, holding them up. "Wait… they've been half digested…"

Everyone looked horrified at a clueless Kirby, who looked like he was about to devour his chair again. "NO! PICHU MY FRIEND!" Pit cried as he realized what the little Pokémon's fate was. He ran out of the room bawling and calling for Palutena. Everyone backed away from Kirby.

"All in favor of Kirby attending therapy?" Master Hand called quickly.

"I am!" everyone shouted, including Kirby who thought he heard pairs and pees.

"Meeting adjourned until the adventure begins in the second story!" Master Hand shouted, and they all dashed from the room, leaving Kirby to stare hungrily at the air conditioner.

Halfway out of the room, Mario froze. "Wait-a; a _second_ story? Crap."

Samus was surveying the damage to her room; it had been hit by a wild missile from Pikachu's army. Her visor informed her that the damage was ridiculously expensive to repair. She sighed and decided to ask Master Hand for a pay raise. Since it was the real one now, she should get it. Samus took her armor off and stored it in its storage tank, and then began to clean the debris off her bed. As she was moving a heavy piece, she heard a cough behind her.

Link was standing in her doorway, with something between a smile and a blush on his face. "Hey," he greeted. His eyes slid towards the piece she was trying to move. "Want a hand?"

"Sure," Samus shrugged. Link crossed over broken chunks of ceiling to help pick it up. Between the two of them, it was easily cast out the hole in her wall where the window had been. With that one gone, she could see what was left of her pillow. Link made to speak again.

"So," he started. It was obvious on his face that he was a little uncomfortable, and it was amusing to watch. Samus let a small smile slip, forgetting she didn't have a helmet on. "I wanted to thank you for watching Toon Link for me. I know he—me—we're kind of…"

"Blunt?" Samus suggested. Link nodded mutely, scratching the back of his head. She leaned back and folded her arms. "Well, as he's no doubt screamed about a thousand times, we have… something." That was stupid, she thought to herself. Now Link would leave for Samus to beat her head against the wall.

"How about dinner?"

Samus blinked as she looked at Link's face. He'd said it so quickly she almost hadn't caught what he'd said. As such, her mind took a second to process what he'd said, and his face was frozen between fear and hope. Once Samus figured what he'd asked, images of shirtless Link returned to her head again. "Sure," she agreed, and enjoyed watching all of the relief flood his face. Unable to help herself, Samus moved forward to hug him.

"Hi Link!" Toon Link shouted from the door. "I was wondering…" The kid stopped as he stared at Samus and Link halfway in an embrace, as they stared back at him. Toon Link's face blew up in panic and he ran screaming. "AH! Link has cooties! Help! Zelda! Zelda! Link has cooties from kissing Samus!"

Link groaned and sunk his head into his hand; now he was the one that wanted to beat his head against the wall. Samus felt a blush of her own at what was now being proclaimed throughout the mansion. There was no way Peach was going to let her live this down. "I'm," Link muttered. "I'm going to… yeah…"

"Hang on," Samus interrupted, catching him. If she was going to suffer, it was going to be worth it. "I'm not objecting to a little kiss." Link had a faint smile as he too tried to recover the situation. Samus politely tilted her face as Link leaned in to plant on one her cheek.

"Samus!" Pit greeted. "Could you help us catch Pi…" Horrified, Samus and Link glanced over to see Mario and Pit standing in the doorway this time. Immediately Pit slapped his hands over his eyes and began shouting that he didn't see anything to his goddess.

Mario rolled his eyes. "Sorry," he offered, and yanked Pit away.

Samus and Link both sighed and felt red on their cheeks. For finally trying to start, they were having a rather embarrassing one. Link looked ready to pull his hat down over his face. "This is ridiculous," he muttered.

"It is," Samus agreed, getting frustrated. She was so close to having the green clothed guy that was giving her cheek-burning daydreams and everyone happened to need to stop by. Link started to leave again to spare himself any further, and Samus looked around quick. "Well before you go then," she said, leaning him to kiss him this time.

"Hey Samus do you have any shampoo I can borrow—" Marth began, coming to stand in the doorway. He was cut off as Samus whipped around angrily towards him.

"THAT'S IT!" she screamed. "I am trying to get a kiss from Link here but people keep interrupting me! NOW STOP SO I CAN GET ONE ALREADY!" And with that comment Samus grabbed the back of Link's head and crashed his lips into hers, kissing him full on.

Marth's eyes widened and he put a hand on his mouth. "Oh snap."

Link was surprised, to say in the least; he had never known how impulsive Samus could get when she was angry. Of course, as the kiss deepened, he wasn't exactly complaining either.


End file.
